Bass player offenses/fines

[Marsman365]

I came across this in a music forum down here in Raleigh. It made me think of all my Bass Player friends in PA! (Some of them are lame, but others are classic!)

Bass player offenses/fines

Name of offender _____________________________
Date of offense(s) _____ / _____ / _______

Musical offenses
Playing loudly during warm up — $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping — $25
Loud cursing after mistake — $10
Playing high and fast after mistake — $20
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes — $20
Asking for "E" tuning note — $25
Playing E anyway when horns tune to Bb — $50
Playing written-out walking line — $50
Failure to play written walking line — $75
Writing note names over ledger-line notes — $50
Writing beat numbers under dotted figures — $50
Playing eighth notes — $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes — $10 each
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo — $75
Dragging ballad tempo — $100
Blacking out during ballad — $200
Ignoring drummer's tempo — $100
Following drummer's tempo — $250
Asking to borrow Real Book for All Of Me — $1000

Upright player offenses
Showing up before first downbeat — $25
Playing audibly — $25
Faking changes — $25
Slapping — $150
Missing tutti lick, then mentioning vintage of bass — $25
Excessive sweating — $25
Pedal point double-stops during horn solo — $50
Asking leader for a solo — $30
Accepting solo when offered — $50
Taking second chorus — $100
Playing solo arco — $400
Pretending to check tuning after playing out of tune — $25
Playing "A Train" ending on every tune — $200
Playing extended "A Train" ending on every tune — $500

Electric player offenses
Checking hair between tunes — $15
Experimenting with odd meters — $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill — $25
Playing with a pick — $50
Tuning during ballad — $30
Playing Jaco groove on samba — $75
Playing Jaco samba groove on ballad — $150
Attempting last word on final chord — $50
Achieving last word on final chord — $100
Long gliss down to final note — $200

Equipment violations—electric
Forgetting strap — $10
Changing strings after every set — $15
Using electric tuner — $15
Setting up mic "just in case" — $75
Forgetting to turn amp on — $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip — $50
Asking horn player for help moving amp — $25
Bringing custom-made bass — $100 per string above 4
Bringing more than 1 bass — $100 per extra bass
Skull decals on bass — $150
Bringing fretless bass — $500

Criminal bad taste
Telling bone player about all the gigs you get — $10
Asking bone player about their day gig — $10
Sitting behind drums on break — $10
Quoting "Birdland" — $25
Practicing scales during break — $25
Practicing scales during drum solo — $50
Practicing — $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" — $50
Casually mentioning to Musical Director of cheap theater that you are "into sequencing" — $100

Basic stupidity
Wearing old Buddy Rich tour shirt — $10
Wearing new Whitesnake tour shirt — $20
Asking when the rock set starts — $20
Continually asking "where are we?" — $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" — $25
Asking bone player where "1" is — $50
Taking cellphone call during 4's — $100

[bassist_25]

Sound-checking amp with funk slapping — $25
Loud cursing after mistake — $10
Writing note names over ledger-line notes — $50
Playing eighth notes — $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes — $10 each
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Dragging fast tempo - $75
Following drummer's tempo — $250
Experimenting with odd meters — $25
Missing root at end of blistering fill — $25
Playing with a pick — $50
Attempting last word on final chord — $50
Achieving last word on final chord — $100
Long gliss down to final note — $200
Using electric tuner — $15
Forgetting to turn amp on — $40
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip — $50
Bringing more than 1 bass — $100 per extra bass
Practicing scales during break — $25
Practicing — $150


It looks like I'm going to have quite the hefty fine. Luckily, I got out of a few offenses on technicalities: I've never quoted Birdland, but I'm been known to bust out Portrait of Tracy when sound-checking. I play a Carvin, which really isn't considered a TRUE custom bass. I haven't brought a fretless to a gig in a good couple of years, so I think the statute of limitations in effect there (and I haven't had to play a walking line written out in standard notation since I was 17, so statute again). And while I've never sat on the drum throne on breaks, I've sat on it before the gig.

[orangekick]

Playing loudly during warm up — $10
Sound-checking amp with funk slapping — $25
Loud cursing after mistake — $10
Practicing 2-handed tapping between tunes — $20
Playing eighth notes — $5 each
Playing sixteenth notes — $10 each
Playing above 1st octave-immediate dismissal
Following drummer's tempo — $250


Checking hair between tunes — $15
Experimenting with odd meters — $25
Playing with a pick — $50
Attempting last word on final chord — $50
Achieving last word on final chord — $100
Long gliss down to final note — $200


Using electric tuner — $15
Setting up mic "just in case" — $75
Bringing amp larger than 1 person can carry in 1 trip — $50

Practicing — $150
Beginning a sentence with "When I was a guitar player" — $50


Continually asking "where are we?" — $25
Continually shouting "Yeah!" — $25

Oh man, I couldn't even begin to afford to play gigs.

[jebersole]

I'm definitely not gonna gig in Raleigh...

[nightcrawler_steve]

I'm definitely not gonna gig in Raleigh...

Ha ha ha.....you didnt get fined but you got scolded Saturday night!