Blumpkin

[Banned]

I heard about a frat party from one of the cardio bunnies I slammed last week. She called me up and said I should come if I get a chance. After another grueling workout, I decide to take Mitch along with me.

We walk into the frat house, and it’s exactly what I expected. 135 pounders in Abercrombie t-shirts... Pathetic. I walk through the crowd in my aviators and beater, pushing guys at the party out of the way to establish Alpha dominance. We head into the kitchen, where one frat boy is making mixed drinks for a few hotties.

“Blender belongs to me now” I snarl at him, dump out the contents and begin to make my patented Mega Shake. Eight scoops of N-Large2, a jar of natty peanut butter, and 2 bananas all blended with lowfat milk. I blend up my mix, toast Mitch and drink.

Apparently not all party participants liked the fact that Mitch and I had stolen the blender. One girl had brought the "bouncer" over.

Bouncer: What’s going on over here?

Mitch: <Taking off his aviators.> We got a situation here boss, looks like 19 inch pythons on this guy.

I take off my aviators to get a better look.

Me: <Giggling> Fatceps.

I notice a tattoo on the bouncer’s arm, "Big Daddy" it says.

Me: Big Daddy?

Bouncer: <Pissed off> Bigger than you.

Me: Maybe so, chief. But I’m swoler.

I reach into my bag and get out my body fat calipers.

Bouncer: Man, get those things away from me!

Me: <Grinning> Aw, come on, let's see how much fat there is on those fatceps of yours.

Bouncer: <Crying> Fuck you man, leave me alone! <He runs out of the room while I explode into laughter.>

After about 20 more minutes of lat flaring around the party, I realize I have to take a huge shit. That Mega Shake wasn’t sitting too well. I head into the bathroom with the newspaper. (I knew it was gonna be a messy struggle.) A few minutes later, some drunk girl comes into the bathroom.

Drunk girl: Hi, ummm, I just wanted to say that you are really sexy and ummm…

Me: Get the fuck out? I’m trying to shit in peace here.

Drunk girl: Well, ummm, could I give you a blumpkin?

Me: What the fuck is a blumpkin?

Drunk girl: Well, it's when you give someone head while they are taking a shit. <I look her up and down. Decent sized tits and a good face.>

Me: Yeah why not. Just don’t use your fucking teeth. <I continue to read the paper while she blows me. She ended up swallowing every last drop.>

Drunk girl: Was it good?

Me: Not bad. I’d give it a C+. <Drunk girl lays down and passes out. I realize there is no toilet paper. So I take drunk girl’s shirt and wipe my ass with it and walk out.>

Me: Nice knowin’ ya, sweetie.

I decide to find Mitch so we can go home. On the way I run into two frat boys.

FB1: Excuse me? Do you think you could give us some weightlifting tips? I mean we don’t want to get huge or anything, just Brad Pitt in fight Club, you know? Any pointers?

I felt the rage boiling up inside of me, but kept my cool. I decided not to punch them out (No need to go back to prison). I bang on the door Mitch is in.

Me: Let’s fucking go, I’m tired and I want to go to sleep.

Mitch: I got this bitch licking my nuts right now!

Me: Hurry up and nut in her face so we can go home. I’ll start the car.

I walk outside to my beamer. I look at the car next to me, and Bouncer is in it, crying. Not only that, but he was driving a Jetta. I’m sorry, but if you are a bodybuilder you cannot drive a Volkswagen. You could be Ronnie Fuckin’ Coleman and you would get no respect from me if you are tooling around in a golf cart. The only time you could get head by driving a VW is from Gary down at the local Starbucks.

I lit up a cigar and waited for Mitch to emerge. “Blumpkin,” I thought to myself, smiling. “Woof, sometimes you even impress yourself.”

[no surrender]

I heard about a frat party from one of the cardio bunnies I slammed last week. She called me up and said I should come if I get a chance. After another grueling workout, I decide to take Mitch along with me.

We walk into the frat house, and it’s exactly what I expected. 135 pounders in Abercrombie t-shirts... Pathetic. I walk through the crowd in my aviators and beater, pushing guys at the party out of the way to establish Alpha dominance. We head into the kitchen, where one frat boy is making mixed drinks for a few hotties.

“Blender belongs to me now” I snarl at him, dump out the contents and begin to make my patented Mega Shake. Eight scoops of N-Large2, a jar of natty peanut butter, and 2 bananas all blended with lowfat milk. I blend up my mix, toast Mitch and drink.

Apparently not all party participants liked the fact that Mitch and I had stolen the blender. One girl had brought the "bouncer" over.

Bouncer: What’s going on over here?

Mitch: <Taking off his aviators.> We got a situation here boss, looks like 19 inch pythons on this guy.

I take off my aviators to get a better look.

Me: <Giggling> Fatceps.

I notice a tattoo on the bouncer’s arm, "Big Daddy" it says.

Me: Big Daddy?

Bouncer: <Pissed off> Bigger than you.

Me: Maybe so, chief. But I’m swoler.

I reach into my bag and get out my body fat calipers.

Bouncer: Man, get those things away from me!

Me: <Grinning> Aw, come on, let's see how much fat there is on those fatceps of yours.

Bouncer: <Crying> Fuck you man, leave me alone! <He runs out of the room while I explode into laughter.>

After about 20 more minutes of lat flaring around the party, I realize I have to take a huge shit. That Mega Shake wasn’t sitting too well. I head into the bathroom with the newspaper. (I knew it was gonna be a messy struggle.) A few minutes later, some drunk girl comes into the bathroom.

Drunk girl: Hi, ummm, I just wanted to say that you are really sexy and ummm…

Me: Get the fuck out? I’m trying to shit in peace here.

Drunk girl: Well, ummm, could I give you a blumpkin?

Me: What the fuck is a blumpkin?

Drunk girl: Well, it's when you give someone head while they are taking a shit. <I look her up and down. Decent sized tits and a good face.>

Me: Yeah why not. Just don’t use your fucking teeth. <I continue to read the paper while she blows me. She ended up swallowing every last drop.>

Drunk girl: Was it good?

Me: Not bad. I’d give it a C+. <Drunk girl lays down and passes out. I realize there is no toilet paper. So I take drunk girl’s shirt and wipe my ass with it and walk out.>

Me: Nice knowin’ ya, sweetie.

I decide to find Mitch so we can go home. On the way I run into two frat boys.

FB1: Excuse me? Do you think you could give us some weightlifting tips? I mean we don’t want to get huge or anything, just Brad Pitt in fight Club, you know? Any pointers?

I felt the rage boiling up inside of me, but kept my cool. I decided not to punch them out (No need to go back to prison). I bang on the door Mitch is in.

Me: Let’s fucking go, I’m tired and I want to go to sleep.

Mitch: I got this bitch licking my nuts right now!

Me: Hurry up and nut in her face so we can go home. I’ll start the car.

I walk outside to my beamer. I look at the car next to me, and Bouncer is in it, crying. Not only that, but he was driving a Jetta. I’m sorry, but if you are a bodybuilder you cannot drive a Volkswagen. You could be Ronnie Fuckin’ Coleman and you would get no respect from me if you are tooling around in a golf cart. The only time you could get head by driving a VW is from Gary down at the local Starbucks.

I lit up a cigar and waited for Mitch to emerge. “Blumpkin,” I thought to myself, smiling. “Woof, sometimes you even impress yourself.”

FREAKIN AWESUM DUDE! HA!

I BET WOOFBURGER IS A LED ZEPHED BANGER!!!

FATCEPS!

HAHAHAHHA! DON'T THEY ALL?

[lonewolf]

What is swoler?

[Hal]

Sounds like bullshit to me

[JeffLeeper]

When you've been here awhile , you'll know that woofburger is only his super hero name.

[Imgrimm01]

I have had a blumpkin and until this post NEVER knew it.. Thank You for helping me finally give that a name other than " fumejob"

[Bag]

LOL! I like "fume job" better!

[orangekick]

Hahaha, "fume job" is a better name for it.

[Craven Sound]

1. swole
to be extreemly muscular or buff
Craig: yo Ray Ray have you seen trey lately?
Ray: yeah he's been hittin the weights hasn't he
Craig: yeah he's swole dawg

urban dictionary

So, I guess to be swoler is to be more swole.


My question is, has he ever given anyone a Houdini or a Dirty Sanchez or a Cleveland Steamer or a Glass Bottom Boat??

[Imgrimm01]

Tell me what all those are and i will tell you if I've done them.... I have pissed on a chick b4 and we both like it, then she pissed on me and I REALLY liked it! Oh what I wouldn't give to be young again

[songsmith]

This one showed promise until the "I realized I had to take a huge shit" part. From there it dumbed itself to death, although my wife would think the blumpkin was funny, she loves potty humor... odd for such a smart woman. Busting on frat boys was once a favorite pursuit of mine... I grew up around Juniata College fratwusses (one quarter-keg, 300 people, and everybody's wasted?) so I can relate. Enjoyed the "fatceps." I see those alot. I'm pretty weird about the restroom, though. Bj's are simply the reason I exist on this earth, but not whilst "dropping the kids off at the pool." There's just gotta be a limit to my depravity, and that's it, right there, people. ----->JMS

[YankeeRose]

What the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?



With a Porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

[Banned]

My question is, has he ever given anyone a Houdini or a Dirty Sanchez or a Cleveland Steamer or a Glass Bottom Boat??

Speaking of the infamous Dirty Sanchez/Filthy Sanchez . . .

It's a little-known fact that my name in Hair Force One was originally going to be Phil T. Sanchez. But 90% of the people didn't know what it meant, and the other 10% thought it was a shitty name.

[YankeeRose]

Craven Sound, I second what Imgrimm1 said, could you please tell us what those other things are? One may have been on the "Boat" and not even known it!

[lonewolf]

1. swole
to be extreemly muscular or buff
Craig: yo Ray Ray have you seen trey lately?
Ray: yeah he's been hittin the weights hasn't he
Craig: yeah he's swole dawg

urban dictionary

So, I guess to be swoler is to be more swole.


My question is, has he ever given anyone a Houdini or a Dirty Sanchez or a Cleveland Steamer or a Glass Bottom Boat??

So it looks like swole is an inner city gibberish derivative of "swollen".

I guess that means that swoler is "swollener" or more swollen. I suppose that's more gooder for him.

[lonewolf]

What the difference between a BMW and a Porcupine?



With a Porcupine, the pricks are on the outside.

Hey....I represent that statement.

[songsmith]

But you drive a Honda Element, which, ironically is made in New Florence, Ohio, and even more ironically, has more US-made parts than any other car, foreign or domestic. You have a Beamer, too? ----->JMS

[YankeeRose]

lonewolf, at least you're honest... or ARE you??? Hey, it's only a joke. However, more often than not, the punchline fits!

[lonewolf]

But you drive a Honda Element, which, ironically is made in New Florence, Ohio, and even more ironically, has more US-made parts than any other car, foreign or domestic. You have a Beamer, too? ----->JMS

My BMW Z3 eBay car was manufactured in North Carolina. Only the M-series Z3s were made in Germany. You won't find many of those around.

My Kawasaki Vulcan was manufactured in Lincoln, Nebraska and assembled in Lewistown, PA.

Of course, our SwissArmyKnife of SUVs, the Element from Ohio, is 70% American parts, more than any other 4-wheeled vehicle.

Goes to show that you should never put anything in your ear, because you can never be sure where it came from.

[lonewolf]

lonewolf, at least you're honest... or ARE you??? Hey, it's only a joke. However, more often than not, the punchline fits!

Punchline? I saw that joke as another opportunity to quote the Three Stooges (represent instead of resent).

[HurricaneBob]

[DMFJ03]

Genius!!! Absolute genius!!!

[YankeeRose]

LoneWolf, if you insist, but you seem like one of the nicer ones. I can relate...when called a Bitch I invariably say, "you say Bitch like it's a BAD thing"... I call myself the "Good Bitch of the East" and on a t-shirt at the Bloomsburg Fair last year was this little gem:
"I'm not a Bitch, I'm Giftedly Outspoken".

[lonewolf]

That's great! You finally caught Woofburger in action!

[GUITARII]

Drunk girl: Well, ummm, could I give you a blumpkin?

Me: What the fuck is a blumpkin?

Drunk girl: Well, it's when you give someone head while they are taking a shit. <I look her up and down. Decent sized tits and a good face.>

First off numbnuts, it's not a "blumpkin" it's called a "Hot Carl" and I'm sure you know that if you spent any time in the pen... you'd have been giving them out frequently! Anyhow, the Hot Carl comes from a long line of cleverly named sex acts... "The Warren Moon" for instance, The "Danza Slap", taking a ride on "The Glass Bottom Boat", etc... etc... If you're going to make up stories, the right terminology would help.....