Republican National Convention Schedule of Events

[J Michaels]

Republican National Convention:

6:00 pm – Opening prayer
6:15 pm – Supplementary open prayer
6:30 pm – Prayer in thanks of two prayers
6:45 pm – New energy policy presented by Exxon
7:00 pm – Canonization of Reagan
7:15 pm – Additional prayers
7:30 pm – Opening remarks by Halliburton
8:00 pm – Prayer for the safety and well-being of Ken “Kenny-boy” Lay
8:15 pm – Additional remarks by Halliburton
8:30 pm – Stoning of first homosexual
8:45 pm – New healthcare policies presented by HMO
9:00 pm – Invasion of Iran or North Korea (TBA)
9:15 pm – Halliburton contributes 1.4 billion to Republican party
9:30 pm – Reagan elevated to savior, Holy Trinity now referred to as “the quads”
9:45 pm – Bush undergoes plastic surgery to look more like Reagan
10:00 pm – Cheney runs into Ron Reagan, Jr. Tells him to go fuck himself
10:15 pm – Recall of the troops from accidental invasion of South Korea
(Bush: “Damn, the SOUTH is our ally. My bad.”)
10:30 pm – Burning at the stake of 16 year-old Jenny Williams, who had an illegal abortion after being raped by her cousin
10:45 pm – Dancing around the golden calf
11:00 pm – Stoning of the partner of the first homosexual
11:15 pm – New forestry policy presented by Weyerhaeuser
11:45 pm –Thanking God in his wisdom in choosing Bush as president
12:00 pm – Closing prayers (lasting until 2:00 am)
2:00 am – Hookers arrive for all delegates

[bassist_25]

Haha

Here's one I saw a few weeks ago.

_____________________

6:00 PM - Opening Prayer led by the Reverend Jerry Falwell

6:30 PM - Pledge of Allegiance

6:35 PM - Ceremonial Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd Amendment)

6:45 PM - Salute to the "Coalition of the Willing"

6:46 PM - Seminar #1: Katherine Harris on "Are Elections Really Necessary?"

7:30 PM - Announcement: Lincoln Memorial Renamed for Ronald Reagan

7:35 PM - Trent Lott - "Re-segregation in the 21st Century"

7:40 PM - EPA Address #1: "Mercury: It's What's for Dinner"

8:00 PM - Vote on which country to invade next

8:10 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh

8:15 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: "The Homos Are After Your Children"

8:30 PM - Round table discussion on reproductive rights (Men Only)

8:50 PM - Seminar #2: "Corporations: The Government of the Future"

9:00 PM - Condi Rice sings "Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"

9:05 PM - Phyllis Schlafly speaks on "Why Women Shouldn't Be Leaders"

9:10 PM - EPA Address #2: "Trees: The Real Cause of Forest Fires"

9:30 PM - Break for secret meetings

10:00 PM - Second Prayer led by Cal Thomas

10:15 PM - Carl Rove Lecture: "Doublespeak Made Simple"

10:30 PM - Rumsfeld Lecture/Demonstration: "How to Squint and Talk Macho
Even When You Feel Squishy Inside"

10:35 PM - Bush demonstration of trademark "deer in headlights" stare

10:40 PM - John Ashcroft Demonstration: New Mandatory Kevlar Chastity Belt

10:45 PM - GOP's Tribute to Tokenism, featuring Colin Powell & Condi Rice

10:46 PM - Ann Coulter's Tribute to "Joe McCarthy, American Patriot"

10:50 PM - Seminar #3: "Education: A Drain on Our Nation's Economy"

11:10 PM - Hilary Clinton Piqata

11:20 PM - John Ashcroft Lecture: "Evolutionists: A Dangerous New Cult"

11:30 PM - Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again

11:35 PM - Blame Clinton

11:40 PM - Newt Gingrich speaks on "The Sanctity of Marriage"

11:41 PM - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

11:50 PM - Closing Prayer led by Jesus Himself

12:00 Mid - Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

[lonewolf]

11:41 PM - Announcement: Ronald Reagan to be added to Mt. Rushmore

Damn, I fell asleep. Did they make the announcement? If so, when does the chiseling begin?

[esa]

Hey.. I liked Reagan..