Everyone who's played in a live situation has dealt with "That Guy." It doesn't matter if you play rock, country, jazz, or are first violin in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra. You eventually run into That Guy. That Guy tries to have a conversation with you right in the middle of the set as you are...you know...doing your fuckin' job! Everyone knows that there isn't any cognitive effort that needs to be put forth to play an instrument. [/sarcasm] Last night, we ran into That Guy. To compound things even more, it was right at the start of a song we had never performed, EVER. We weren't yet 100% confident with the selection to begin with, so That Guy decides to to get in Rob's ear right at the first bar of music - as Rob's getting ready to sing the first line of a song that he's still getting comfortable with - to request some song we probably didn't know, to remind Rob to announce that it's his neighbor's brother's daughter's friend's nanny's pet hamster's birthday, or possibly to talk about the fine selection of strap-ons at the local adult boutique store. I don't know what he was saying, but the point is that it's effin' rude and just adds to the nine hundred other things that you're trying to juggle about your performance while you're on stage. Rob nailed the line, but that's besides the point.
I know that you all are thinking, "Paul, you're whining here. It's part of the gig, man. Get over it." My point isn't to whine, however. It's to tell you about the cool invention that is a product of musical need. We're going to be talking to Shure, Nady, and AKG about a possible new product - Tazers infused onto the butt-end of microphones. Think about it. Somebody gets out of control at the front of the stage - you just lean over and taze them without missing a lyric or a note. The eventual dream is to put cattle prods onto the headstocks of guitars and basses. We've even talked about drum sticks that shoot Mace or pepper spray. The tazer mic idea is the first thing on the agenda. Metalchurch Joe is pretty mechanical, so perhaps we'll cut him in on the deal to design the first prototype. It could be an SM58 with an FF350 stun gun duck taped to the top. The primary engeering conundrum will be avoiding the XLR input. Wireless mics will be easy to mod. Later mass-produced models will have the zap switch right next to the on/off switch.
Mic-tazers, what does everyone think?
