Carlinism

witchhunt · Post by **witchhunt** » Thursday Nov 30, 2006

Did ya ever notice that your shit is stuff and their stuff is shit?
"Ya wanna move your shit so I can put my stuff there"

J Michaels · Post by **J Michaels** » Thursday Nov 30, 2006

What's your house - just a big box for your stuff.....

Why do you move - need a bigger box!

Carlin rules..................

Baceman Spiff · Post by **Baceman Spiff** » Thursday Nov 30, 2006

On Prostitution...

"Selling is legal...Fucking is legal...WHY ISNT SELLING FUCKING LEGAL???"

Bag · Post by **Bag** » Thursday Nov 30, 2006

Ever notice that someone going slower than you is an asshole, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Trucula · Post by **Trucula** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

Little boy to grandpa,"Pap, Whats a vigina?"

Pap, "That's the little hair patch between grandma's legs"

Boy, "Then whats a cu#t?"

Pap, "That's the rest of grandma!"

lonewolf · Post by **lonewolf** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

"have a good one!"

I already have a good one, what I want is a l-o-n-g-e-r one.

daveb · Post by **daveb** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

Some guys take a shit...Not me, man! I LEAVE a shit!

A. Bunker · Post by **A. Bunker** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

Al Sneed here your "hippy dippy weatherman" ... with all the "hippy dippy" weather, man.. brought to you by Parson's Pest Control....

Do you have Termites, water bugs, and roaches? Ughhhh Well Parson's will help you get rid of the termites and water bugs -- and then help you smoke the roaches...

And if you'll look at our weather map... you'll see... we don't have one.. So imagine last night's weather map... in your mind.. We're currently being dominated by a Canadian Low.. which is not to be confused with a Mexican High..

Tonight's forecast.... dark! continued dark overnight, turning partly light by morning..

Bag · Post by **Bag** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

Out at the lake today, a one armed man was arrested for bothering the other boaters, by continuously rowing in a circle.

songsmith · Post by **songsmith** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

It starts with a nice soft "f-f-f-f-f" and ends with a good hard "Ka!"----->JMS

Baceman Spiff · Post by **Baceman Spiff** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"

"When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?"

The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

A. Bunker · Post by **A. Bunker** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

"doesn't it strike you as mildly ironic, that most of the people who are against abortion, are people you wouldn't want to fuck in the first place?"

"so now they're going to get rid of the toy guns.. but they're keeping the fucking real ones!!"

"rat shit, bat shit, dirty old twat.. sixty-nine assholes tied in a knot. horray lizard shit..... FUCK!"

"get on the airplane.. get on the plane, fuck you i'm getting IN the plane.."

"but take a look at the names of the two men running the war.. dick cheney and colin powell.. somebody definately got fucked in the ass!!"

J Michaels · Post by **J Michaels** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

Carlin on the Ten Commandments

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IalEtwUTJzw

witchhunt · Post by **witchhunt** » Friday Dec 01, 2006

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5r21XxW2 ... ed&search=

This is the one that amazes me. I saw GC at The Palace in Oct. and he did this bit but he had some help from a cheat sheet. Still impressive

witchhunt · Post by **witchhunt** » Wednesday Dec 06, 2006

Two of George's rare jokes. Kinda vile.

One morning a little girl walks into the bathroom just as her father is stepping out of the shower. Looking at his unit, she asks,"Daddy, what's that?" He replies, "Honey, that's a penis." She asks, "will I ever get a penis like that?" Daddy says, "as soon as your mother leaves for work, you will."

How does a teenage WV girl know when her mother has her period?...

Her brothers dick tastes different.

Charltor · Post by **Charltor** » Wednesday Dec 06, 2006

witchhunt wrote:Two of George's rare jokes. Kinda vile.

One morning a little girl walks into the bathroom just as her father is stepping out of the shower. Looking at his unit, she asks,"Daddy, what's that?" He replies, "Honey, that's a penis." She asks, "will I ever get a penis like that?" Daddy says, "as soon as your mother leaves for work, you will."

How does a teenage WV girl know when her mother has her period?...

Her brothers dick tastes different.

Dude that is so wrong, but it amuses the sic fuk in me.LMFAO!

Bag · Post by **Bag** » Wednesday Dec 06, 2006

LMMFAO!!!!!

RobTheDrummer · Post by **RobTheDrummer** » Wednesday Dec 06, 2006

"I never fucked a ten no sir, but I did fuck 5 twos in one night."

Charltor · Post by **Charltor** » Thursday Dec 07, 2006

RobTheDrummer wrote:"I never fucked a ten no sir, but I did fuck 5 twos in one night."

I think we all have been there before at sometime in our lives!!!

kissmydagoass · Post by **kissmydagoass** » Thursday Dec 07, 2006

A personal favorite that I use all the time...

These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

and

Life is a series of dogs.
along with any other time he mentions Tippy.

RobTheDrummer · Post by **RobTheDrummer** » Thursday Dec 07, 2006

kissmydagoass wrote:A personal favorite that I use all the time...

These are the thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

and

Life is a series of dogs.
along with any other time he mentions Tippy.

So true.

Bag · Post by **Bag** » Thursday Dec 07, 2006

I know.... THE DOG FARTED!
I saw his ass open up!
Just happened to be looking at his ass by chance.
Why did you fart, Tippy?

kissmydagoass · Post by **kissmydagoass** » Thursday Dec 07, 2006

I just remembered the whole praying to Joe Pesci thing a little bit ago. The whole rant involving this little excert is probably one of the funniest things I've ever heard.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Joe Pesci. Two reasons; first of all, I think he's a good actor. Okay. To me, that counts. Second; he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't f*** around. Doesn't f*** around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with. For years I asked God to do something about my noisy neighbor with the barking dog. Joe Pesci straightened that c***-sucker out with one visit.

4:33 · Post by **4:33** » Friday Dec 08, 2006

Does a rapist have a hard-on when he leaves the house in the morning, or does he develop it during the day while he's walking around looking for somebody? These are the kind of thoughts that kept me out of the really good schools.

Baceman Spiff · Post by **Baceman Spiff** » Friday Dec 08, 2006

When Tippy died, I took him to the pet store, threw him up on the counter and said "Gimme another one of these!"