A Tribute to the Greatest Man of ALL Time..

AtoMikEnRtiA · Post by **AtoMikEnRtiA** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

These are things you should know about the greatest Texas Ranger of all time

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that the good Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.

There are no disabled people in the world. Only those people who have felt the wrath of Chuck Norris.

Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.

Chuck Norris has recently changed his middle name to "Fucking."

It is scientific fact that Chuck Norris' tears are known to cause cancer. This is irrelevant because it is also a fact that Chuck Norris has never cried.

12. When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

There are two kinds of people in this world: people who suck, and Chuck Norris.

Upon birth, Chuck Norris' father decided to name him "Charles" - in response, Baby Chuck spin kicked his father in the face, replying "what the fuck kinda pussy am i going to get with the name Charles, from now on, call me Chuck"

In the movie "Back to the Future" they used Chuck Norris' Delorean to go back into time and into the future. When they gave it back to him with a scratch on it he was angry and roundhouse kicked Michael J. Fox, which years later was the cause of his Parkinson's disease.

Chuck Norris spends his Saturdays climbing mountains and meditating in peaceful solitude. Sundays are for oral sex, KFC and Tequila.

Chuck Norris always has sex on the first date. Always. The only time he didn't was in 1941, otherwise known as the beginning of the Holocaust.

Chuck Norris can enter up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, B, A, Select, Start using only his erection.

Crop circles are Chuck Norris's way of telling the world that sometimes corn needs to lie the fuck down.

There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Chuck Norris allows to live.

When Chuck Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket.

Chuck Norris once walked down the street with a massive erection. There were no survivors.

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Chuck Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Chuck Norris has two speeds: walk and kill.

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.

When Chuck Norris was born, the nurse said, "Holy crap! That's Chuck Norris!" Then she had had sex with him. At that point, she was the third girl he had slept with.

Chuck Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

It takes Chuck Norris 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Chuck Norris is not lactose intolerant, he just refuses to put up with lactose's shit.

Chuck Norris can divide by zero.

When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down.

For your own safety, don't mind that Chuck Norris has read this over your shoulder.

Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."

Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.

it was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living shit out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited.

Chuck Norris can mathematically make two wrongs equal a right.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

if you like him that much merry him enough said

AtoMikEnRtiA · Post by **AtoMikEnRtiA** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

gazoo17 wrote:if you like him that much merry him enough said

actually, i hate him. i just found this funny when it was in my e-mail.

YankeeRose · Post by **YankeeRose** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

I like Chuck Norris' movies, I even own my fav, but I've never watched his tv show.

I once saw a funny bit about it on Conan O'Brien, does that count?

AtoMikEnRtiA · Post by **AtoMikEnRtiA** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

YankeeRose wrote: I like Chuck Norris' movies, I even own my fav, but I've never watched his tv show. I once saw a funny bit about it on Conan O'Brien, does that count?

ill let this slide because you didnt come in here and run a sentence of nothing like an blithering idiot lol

and ive never seen the tv show either..

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

Who would win a fight between Chuck Norris and woofburger?

Or maybe they're the same person. Hmmm.

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

I would like to see chuck and bruce lee fight I think bruce would kick chucks ass he would reach in and pull chuck heart out and put it in a doggie bag and hand it to him

ASB10 · Post by **ASB10** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

I just had a co-worker walk into my office to see why I was laughing so hard......for whatever reason that seemed pretty f@@#&n hilarious to me.....

YankeeRose · Post by **YankeeRose** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

That would be some fight. Bruce Lee died years ago.

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

Check out Way of the Dragon from 1972. The climactic fight is Bruce versus Chuck. And yes, Bruce does whoop his ass.

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

gazoo17 wrote:I would like to see chuck and bruce lee fight I think bruce would kick chucks ass he would reach in and pull chuck heart out and put it in a doggie bag and hand it to him

I think they were both in "Enter the Dragon" and probably had a fight scene. I could be wrong on that though.

Chuck Norris was the real deal though. He did win something like 6 karate championships in a row in the 60's. I bet he could still hold his own in a brawl.

AtoMikEnRtiA · Post by **AtoMikEnRtiA** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

undercoverjoe wrote:
gazoo17 wrote:I would like to see chuck and bruce lee fight I think bruce would kick chucks ass he would reach in and pull chuck heart out and put it in a doggie bag and hand it to him
I think they were both in "Enter the Dragon" and probably had a fight scene. I could be wrong on that though.

Chuck Norris was the real deal though. He did win something like 6 karate championships in a row in the 60's. I bet he could still hold his own in a brawl.

Chuck Norris and Steven Segal are the real deal.. or were, at Martial Arts for North Americans..

currently, the general consensus amongst Martial Arts gurus in Asia and the Orient feel the best North American Martial Artist is Rob Sczatkowski.. better known, as Rob Van Dam

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

ok then how about van damn and chuck vandamn went to china and fought so i think he could woop chucks ass

YankeeRose · Post by **YankeeRose** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

Jimi Hatt wrote:Check out Way of the Dragon from 1972. The climactic fight is Bruce versus Chuck. And yes, Bruce does whoop his ass.

Granted Jimi, but it was a movie and the outcome was scripted, it wasn't a real fight.

Sagal, he's awesome too and I love the SNL/MadTV parodies.

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

Some hot scoop on Steven Segal:

He is and has been a blues singer and guitarist for some time. (this I did not know)

He is recording a blues cd with all the royality of the blues world, such as:

Koko Taylor

Hubert Sumlin

Pinetop Perkins

James Cotton

and others. The article in Blues Revue said he is paying some of these musicians more than they have ever been paid for a recording session and treating them very well, putting them up in very fine hotels.

I think this is kinda cool, and will probably buy the cd when it's out.

TJ Kelly · Post by **TJ Kelly** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

I've Seen Jimi Hatt Kick Chuck Norris' Ass on More Than One Occasion While Playing a Guitar Lick, Drinking a Hopdevil and Reaching Beneath His Kilt! So There!

TJ Kelly · Post by **TJ Kelly** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

Hatt: Toona Ranger!

In fact Chuck ripped off Jimi. Jimi's roadie Greg's last band SideStep gave Chuck the Idea For Sidekicks! Thievin Bastard!

Mistress_DB · Post by **Mistress_DB** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

I believe I heard somewhere that Bruce helped train Chuck.

Yankee: his stuff is actually pretty decent. He's not a bad singer.

TJ: LMFAO!!! Why can I just picture that!

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

TJ...

put the sambuca down now.

YankeeRose · Post by **YankeeRose** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

Dic o' th' Tater, I had no idea Jimi had been to China...or
does he just consume mass quantities of Chinese food?

TJ Kelly · Post by **TJ Kelly** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

He's actually Chinese below the waist

TJ Kelly · Post by **TJ Kelly** » Monday Jan 09, 2006

undercoverjoe wrote:TJ...

put the sambuca down now.

I'm about to start now! The shine won't be ready till Weds for the Buckness!

Mistress_DB · Post by **Mistress_DB** » Tuesday Jan 10, 2006

TJ Kelly wrote:He's actually Chinese below the waist

I'll agree with that!

Punkinhead · Post by **Punkinhead** » Tuesday Jan 10, 2006

I remember hearing somewhere that Chuck Norris was trained by Bruce Lee. Anyone know anything about it?

Banned · Post by **Banned** » Tuesday Jan 10, 2006

Mistress_DB wrote:
TJ Kelly wrote:He's actually Chinese below the waist
I'll agree with that!

Alright Mistress. You've now insulted my manhood on two different message boards within the past 24 hours without any knowledge thereof. This calls for . . . .

ROUNDHOUSE KICK!! KAPOW!!

You've been