The Cookout

[Banned]

I was invited to a backyard shindig by one of my neighbors. He's not a lifter, and usually I only associate with lifters, but I decided to make an exception. I called up Mitch and Mongo and we headed to the cookout.

A scrawny ectomorph who was built like Justine Timberlake was manning the grill, cooking up some greasy double cheeseburgers. I was having none of that.

"End of the line, cupcake" I told him. I took the toothpick out of my mouth and threw it into his face, Razor Ramon style.

"We own this grill now." I knocked the greasy burgers over and reached into the cooler Mongo had brought, pulling out three steaks, each bigger than most of the quads of the partygoers.

"Hey Mr. O'Sullivan," I said to my neighbor, "Looks like we got the protein we need for meal #6 of today, but I'm gonna need some high GI carbs as well. Why don't you run in the house and get me some potatoes. I know you got 'em in there, you Irish fuck." He looked horrified and said nothing. I took off my aviators and looked him in the eye. "Now."

After wolfing down the potatoes and steak, along with a Mega Shake, I surveyed the situation, and it looked pretty grim. Then I saw her. A tall sexy brunette playing volleyball.

"See something you like, Woof?", Mitch asked.

"Yeah. Something real nice" I said, a cigar hanging out of my mouth. I headed over to said brunette, flared my lats and rolled up for the approach.

Me: Sup baby?
Brunette: Hey there!
Me: Who are you here with?
Brunette: This is my dad's house!
Me: You're Mr. O'Sullivan's daughter?
Brunette: That's right.

Mr. Sullivan came over at this point.

"Please, Woof, leave my daughter alone, she's only 15 years old! Please!" I promised him, but about an hour later his daughter approached.

Brunette: This party is fuckin' lame! I wish there was some weed around here, or maybe some beers.
Me: Well, cupcake, I just happen to have a six pack right here. (I lifted up my shirt and showed her my abs. She melted and immediately went down on me. I banged her twice, and she bled like a paraplegic. "Like a Virgin" indeed.)

Mr. O'Sullivan came out to yell at Mongo, Mitch, and I as we left.

"You prick! You promised!" I lowered my aviators and glared at him.

"At least now you know to never again trust a bodybuilder." He began talking about pressing charges. Mongo went over and threw him into his front door. His daughter was begging me to take her to next years prom.

I lit up a cigar and crawled into my beamer.

"Let's get some rest boys," I told Mongo and Mitch. "Tomorrow is Back Day."

[rreihart]

I am kinda lost on the bleeding like a paraplegic part. Last time I checked, spinal chord injuries weren't necessarily bloody.

[Craven Sound]

Comprehension>Woofburger

Hemophiliac much?

[RobTheDrummer]

Apparantly he's bagged some paraplegics and he knows how they bleed...

[Jacklyn Miauff]

oK..........am I missing something here? Is this dude bragging about screwing a 15 year old? Can't he find a real woman?

[Asundor]

LOL ya thats real cool. I don't really believe this. Sounds to me like someone has a real big ego problem. And thats face it you think its cool to try and throw away your whole life over one piece of ass. Exspecially a 15 yr old. Her dad should have you arrested.

[ThrashKillsYou]

I don't think anyone was supposed to take this serious. I got a little giggle out of it. If he is serious then I feel bad.

[EmptyInside]

Sounds like those Cheap Fabio Covered Romance novels you see in the Dollar store for a Dime, Only Narrated by R Kelly....... Hahaha. If this is from experience man I sure hope that you get some kind of Therapy I mean yea these girls are looking Hotter and Hotter but man think 15 is a lil rediculous.

[ThrashKillsYou]

It's funny how R. Kelly and 15 year olds end up in the same conversation.

[bassist4life2004]

well, you should read some of the other bullshit that this moron posts. He's a real winner, woofburger is. oh, and woof, a 6 pack is nothin bro, i got a keg...

[ThrashKillsYou]

I'm tryin to hit the keg but i can't even get passed 162.

[Craven Sound]

So, since he's talking about illegal deviate sexual intercourse openly, can we ban him now? I finally get it, he lives IN his BMW. Why else would he have to drive his car to his neighbor's house?

[Imgrimm01]

Ok I think alot of you are missing the point, these stories are meant to be amusing & fun to read, and for me they have been all along, infact I get on everyday hoping there is a new one, a little humor in the middle of my WAY too serious day, 98% of the people in my office would be upset by these stories as many of you are and that's why my days BLOW so much. lioghten up and have a laugh.

[Blain]

Some of you guys take yourselves too seriously. I've been lurking here and reading these and they're freakin' hilarious.

Lighten up, Francis.

[Matt_22]

RIght on Bobby!!!!!!!!!! Lighten up

[bassist_25]

(from www.dictionary.com)

Satire (n) - 1. A literary work in which human vice or folly is attacked through irony, derision, or wit.
2. The branch of literature constituting such works. See Synonyms at caricature.
3. Irony, sarcasm, or caustic wit used to attack or expose folly, vice, or stupidity.

Hyperbole (n) - A figure of speech in which exaggeration is used for emphasis or effect, as in I could sleep for a year or This book weighs a ton.

[BDR]

Prude (n) — A person excessively concerned about propriety and decorum.

r:>)

[grimmbass]

I think Woofburger should be the new spokesperson for GNC.

[Jacklyn Miauff]

Sorry.........there is nothing amusing about screwing a 15 year old girl when you are a grown man. Most of you on here have daughters that age.

[HurricaneBob]

Well, my son is 15 so tell your 15yr old daughters to lock the door...