A Modest Proposal

[grimmbass]

Friends,

Over the last several days, I’ve had plenty of time to ponder what is wrong with this country. Why have I had so much time to think? Because of old people driving in front of me and slowing my trips to a snail's pace.

Old people driving big trucks.
Old people driving Cadillacs.
Old people driving SUV’s and making use of both lanes because of their frail ineptitude and inability to keep their hulking vehicles in a single lane.

Old people driving 25-FREAKING MILES AN HOUR AT 7:30 A.M. WHEN THEY SHOULD BE HOME SLEEPING!

Why these elder statesmen of the road are so obsessed with clogging our traffic arteries during chief rush hours (namely 7-9 a.m. or 5-7 p.m.) eludes me. Maybe it’s an obsession with “keeping up with the youngsters.” Maybe it’s to grab the cholesterol-laden “wake up” special at Denny’s to celebrate another day of life (“Yay! I woke up this a.m. and I’m not dead! Let’s eat some fat!”).

Or maybe it’s because they can. They’re a powerful secret order, these card-carrying members of the AARP.

I have a suggestion that would fix a lot of problems in this country. Let’s eliminate everyone over the age of 65. This would be a one-time-only purge to thin the herd a little bit. Think of it as “asset management”. Such an action would have a lot of benefits to the average American:

1. It would reduce the drain on our financially-troubled Social Security system….some of us “thirtysomethings” might have a chance of actually collecting if we take action.

2. No more “25 MPH” drivers at 7 a.m….any surviving older person would know better than to test our wraith a second time! They’d either speed off or stay off the road. Incidentally, this action would leave the rest of us with much more fossil fuel!

3. Fewer noise ordinances and stupid laws: Let’s face it, the majority of noise violations and other stupid cop reports are called in by seniors. They’ve got nothing left to do with their lives than complain.

4. Fewer “Depends” and life insurance commercials on TV: Need I say more?

5. No more “Ben Gay” stench (i.e. “old people smell”).

6. This could be a quick and dirty way to feed the homeless…at least for a while. Come to think of it…we’d probably want to start eliminating them next!

I'm sure that there are plenty of other benefits I haven't even thought of yet!

I know, I know… “you love your parents, grandparents…blah blah blah”…but think of the big picture. Haven’t they had long and full (or at least long) lives? Isn’t it time for them to step aside for the greater good? Call your legislators and demand that they take action immediately!

I ask you, please consider my modest proposal…

(before I get angry hate mail, remember this is a joke)

Kent

[Imgrimm01]

Joke Hell man, I love this idea !! I would lose a grandmother in the deal BUT if I could get to work in the morning without having to curse and pound my wheel , well friends Gram is a small price to pay. lets do it!!

[iceman01]

thats some funny sh*t i hope u guys rip peter c's apart on your return to the scene catch ya later and take care....................the iceman cometh

[jim bagrosky]

I've said it time and time again, everyone over 60 should have to re-take thier driving exam every year thereafter. Think about it, your hearing goes, your vision goes, your general reflexes and motor skills start failing, but you still get behind the wheel? I don't know how many times some blue-hair nearly ended my life by pulling out in front of me without even looking! I hate that!

What's worse is when they drive the passing lane at 45mph leaving you no way to get past them. I am NOT above flipping these geezer's the bird. Nothing strikes more fear in these old bastards than some tattooed freak blasting Slayer at maximum volume with a big middle finger shooting out the window!

Another pet peeve: Everytime I'm in a hurry and need to stop at sheetz for smokes, I'm in line behind some 90yr. old walking corpse who decides to buy 23 lottery tickets and takes 45 minutes deciding which ones they want. That sucks too. I could go on, but I wont, count me in on this one!

[JeffLeeper]

...er...ah....I remember when this was all farmland....er....ah....

[gymnast]

WHen I am older I plan on acting this way. I just love to annoy people and piss them off. I already have some rules for after I retire. I am going to speak in an accent I made up and say I came from the old country. I'll speed around in my car, but as soon as someone comes up behind me and it looks like they need to get somewhere, oh the fun will begin. I'll slow down to 5 miles below the limit and watch them cus and yell. Hehe and when they pass me I'll shake my fist and yell gusta pusta. I also plan to sit on my front porch and yell at the kids who dig up my yard, so that when they go get drunk and come back to do something to my house I can be hiding in the bushes and jump out and scare them and chase them "run rabbit run". Oh and when I'm in a restaurant I'll pretend to be hard of hearing so I can fart numerous times with excuses for lifting my leg like "oh this seat is so uncomfortable, it's makin my leg meat hurt"

Yeah there is something really wrong with me!!

[grimmbass]

The part where we actually "round up" the old folks would be a lot like a cattle drive or a stampede. Well, a very slow stampede. Ok...more like dragging a dead seal across a field of sandpaper.

We'd all ride on horsebacks, crack the geezers with whips and shout things like "get along, little old doggies...yah, YAH!"

God, this IS a great idea! Social engineering is fun!

[Jim Price]

Grimmbass, I hate to burst your bubble, but somebody else came up with the "way to feed the homeless" idea long before you - remember the movie Soylent Green? Society resolved the overpopulation and aging issues then, in the form of convenient, tasty crackers...

Come to think of it, the movie Logan's Run had that idea, too - but they dropped the cutoff age to 30!

[moxham123]

I agree with the idea of making older people retake a driving test every year after 60. I think old people have their cruise control set at a maximum of 25 miles an hour. They can't park either. We have a grocery store here in Johnstown called Market Basket, which is known as the old people's store. The parking lot looks like a bumper car ride. Nobody looks where they are going. I think they have flashing blue hair specials at that store.

I think they should make every driver take a test when they get their new driver license photo. I see more idiots on the road of all ages who can't drive at all. The worst ones never use their turn signals as if the rest of us know they are going to turn NOW or change lanes on the highway with no warning. Then, they look at you as if it's your fault. Since when did right turn on red mean slow slightly and drive right through in front of everybody trying to turn on a green light. And then you have those who think they can talk on the phone, eat lunch, drink coffee, read the paper, put on makeup, and/or shave, and drive with their knees. I could go on but you get my drift.

[BDR]

... remember the movie Soylent Green? ...

Soylent Green is PEOPLE!!!!!!! AHHHH!!!



I'm getting me one of these T-shirts ... unfortunately, I don't think many would get it ...

r:>)

[Bert|Evil]

I’ve pondered this on many occasions, which include but are not limited to:

My neighbor became incredibly senile in his old age, to the point that he’d try to run all of his neighbors off of the road and cause wrecks. His family members were contacted on many occasions in good faith attempts to remedy such a problem, but these family members all said “if we do something, it will only make things worse”. Well, a stay at Laurel Crest solved the problem.

My uncle became 80% blind after a stroke, and his wife notified PennDOT accordingly. Since he couldn’t do much, he enjoyed walking to the Post Office everyday because he had memorized the steps and potential dangers. About 8 years later, he got a letter from PennDOT to renew his license and he begged his son to take him (all in good fun…right?). Apparently, they have (or at least had) a point and click test for Seniors, to which my Uncle had pointed and clicked in the right places using his 20% of vision and was licensed to drive. My cousin had to reach in at one point to make sure that he didn’t click on the “organ donor” option. One very big red flag should have popped up to the people at the DMV center when he couldn’t stare at the red dot in order to take his photo. Of course, he bragged to all of us that he passed his test and was legal to drive with the photo evidence to prove it… even though he was starring off towards Pluto. For the record, this is a true story!!!

Politically speaking, Seniors are golden due to the voting power that they bring. Politicians are not about to screw that up for themselves.

[FatVin]

Here's my problem with this idea:

In order to do this in a way that fair, we'd have to eliminate every single person over the age of 65 everywhere right.

Well how could you kill Keith Richards?

I mean not "how could you? in the How dare you sense, I mean How in the "how do you manage it" way

You'd have to booby trap a pack of Marlboros or something.

[Banned]

Ever watch SouthPark?

Build a waffle shop or other breakfast eatery, crowd them all in it,
and blow it up!! HA!HA!HA!HA!HA!


Really, come on you love grandma don't you. How could you?

[RobTheDrummer]

i have a solution, everyone gets a free 1000cc Sportbike...here's why...

1. better gas mileage, better economy.
2. idiots will all die quickly.
3. you can just go around the slow people, quickly.
4. everyone would be happy.
5. old people will be scared to go out.

and Vin, to kill keith richards will only die if he quits taking all the shit he takes.

[lonewolf]

I was thinking along these lines today, but from a completely different observation.

Blair County Population:

1980: 136,600
1990: 130,500
2000: 129,100
2003: 127,200

In the late 1970's, Old Rt 220 from Duncansville to the Logan Valley Mall was two lanes, with a 55mph speed limit and no traffic lights until you reached Goods lane. I could make that trip in 5 minutes and only see maybe a dozen cars in traffic along the way.

Today, with nearly 10,000 fewer people in the county, we need 5 lanes, 20 lights and a 40mph speed limit to accomplish the feat in 15 minutes, if you can navigate "no mans land" (in front of Wal Mart) without incident.

What has happened? Everybody from 16 to 103 has at least one f'ing car and is out driving all of the f'ing time. If there was a way to drive 2 cars at once, they'd be out there. It seems like nobody is capable of accomplishing anything without using their car. Even if there is nothing to accomplish, there they are...driving their car. Not just in front of Wal-Mart, its everywhere.

Sometimes I think people go driving just so they can use their f'ing cell phone. Go driving, flip the phone, make their calls and then go home once their Star Trek excitement is over.

Yep, I agree that you should take periodic driving tests after reaching 65, but at least you always see their knuckles firmly planted on the wheel, not shoving a chunk of plastic in their ear.

[lonewolf]

I like Rob's idea, but it should be 1000cc minimum.

[lonewolf]

I have a suggestion that would fix a lot of problems in this country. Let’s eliminate everyone over the age of 65. This would be a one-time-only purge to thin the herd a little bit. Think of it as “asset management”.

Then we would have 35 million renegade geriatrics to deal with.

I'll bet they'd have a hell of a lot of fun picking off us young'uns.

[bassist_25]

Another pet peeve: Everytime I'm in a hurry and need to stop at sheetz for smokes, I'm in line behind some 90yr. old walking corpse who decides to buy 23 lottery tickets and takes 45 minutes deciding which ones they want.

It's even worse when they decide to stand there and scratch them off at the counter!!!!

[RobTheDrummer]

I was thinking along these lines today, but from a completely different observation.

Blair County Population:

1980: 136,600
1990: 130,500
2000: 129,100
2003: 127,200

In the late 1970's, Old Rt 220 from Duncansville to the Logan Valley Mall was two lanes, with a 55mph speed limit and no traffic lights until you reached Goods lane. I could make that trip in 5 minutes and only see maybe a dozen cars in traffic along the way.

Today, with nearly 10,000 fewer people in the county, we need 5 lanes, 20 lights and a 40mph speed limit to accomplish the feat in 15 minutes, if you can navigate "no mans land" (in front of Wal Mart) without incident.

What has happened? Everybody from 16 to 103 has at least one f'ing car and is out driving all of the f'ing time. If there was a way to drive 2 cars at once, they'd be out there. It seems like nobody is capable of accomplishing anything without using their car. Even if there is nothing to accomplish, there they are...driving their car. Not just in front of Wal-Mart, its everywhere.

Sometimes I think people go driving just so they can use their f'ing cell phone. Go driving, flip the phone, make their calls and then go home once their Star Trek excitement is over.

Yep, I agree that you should take periodic driving tests after reaching 65, but at least you always see their knuckles firmly planted on the wheel, not shoving a chunk of plastic in their ear.

Actually, our economy grew! Gave people from out of county a reason to come to Altoona, because there is now next to nothing to do, instead of nothing!

[JeffLeeper]

Eliminate everybody over 65 ?

Watch an old sci-fi. B-movie called Logan's Run....They got rid of you when you hit 30.

[lonewolf]

Actually, our economy grew! Gave people from out of county a reason to come to Altoona, because there is now next to nothing to do, instead of nothing!

That explains some of the traffic near I99 on Plank Road, but what about everywhere else? You don't think people are touring Broad, Beale 6th and 7th Aves on their way to & from Historic Intown Altoona or that Duncansville means "valley of stopped cars" in Native American (lol) because all those people came from D.C. to look at antiques.

I suppose you might find a stray here and there that takes the 20mph joyride thru the one way (in one direction only) down Allegheny St in Hollidaysburg, but they will never find their way back to I99.

[RobTheDrummer]

Well, what about the beautiful scenery that Broad and Beale Avenues have to offer? Did you think about that? NO! I don't have many problems with 6th or 7th just gotta avoid hitting the homeless drunks...oh wait, that's only on thursdays near peter c's, around 10'ish...

[HurricaneBob]

Well, what about the beautiful scenery that Broad and Beale Avenues have to offer? Did you think about that? NO! I don't have many problems with 6th or 7th just gotta avoid hitting the homeless drunks...oh wait, that's only on thursdays near peter c's, around 10'ish...

\

The only thing we have to miss is you spitting spunk out yo mouth from my member on thursdays. Pics will follow!

[songsmith]

I heard on the BBC World Radio the other day, that out of everyone in the history of the US who has reached age 65, two-thirds of those people are alive now, according to demographers. There are more people over 85 now than over 65 in 1960.
My own father-in-law drove looooonnnggg after he should have quit... his reflexes are still good, he just can't freakin' SEE. His wife use to sit up front and call out traffic signals and bicyclists. He knew he shouldn't drive, he was just too stubborn to quit. Hell, PA has the best senior transportation system in the US, maybe the world, due to lottery proceeds (other states' lottery proceeds go to education, ours go to seniors), if I could get free rides instead of paying $2.60 a gallon, I'd be on the bus!------------>JMS