Some inside humour for musicians.

[bassist_25]

Hey everyone,

I actually found this on a bass-related forum that I frequent. I think we can all relate.

MUSICIANS ARE EXPERT MIND READERS

When requesting a song from the band, just say "play my song!" We have a chip implanted in our heads with an unlimited database with the favorite tunes of every patron who ever walked into a bar and all songs ever recorded, so feel free to be vague, we love the challenge. If we do not remember exactly what tune you want, we're only kidding.

Bands know every song ever recorded, so keep humming. Hum harder if need be... it helps jog the memory

If a band tells you they do not know a song you want to hear, they either forgot that they know the tune or they are just putting you on. Try singing a few words for the band. Any words will do.

It also helps to scream your request from across the room several times per set followed by the phrases, "AW COME ON!" and, "YOU SUCK!" Exaggerated hand gestures expressing disapproval from the dance floor are a big help as well, such as the thumbs down or your middle finger. Put-downs are the best way to jog a band's memory. This instantly promotes you to the status of "Personal Friend Of The Band."

Entertainers are notorious fakers and jokesters and never really prepare for their shows. They simply walk on stage with no prior thought to what they will do once they arrive. An entertainer's job is so easy, even a monkey could do it, so don't let them off the hook easily. Your request is all that matters.

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

IMPORTANT

When an entertainer leans over to hear you better, grab his or her head in both hands and yell directly into their ear, while holding their head securely so they cannot pull away. This will be taken as an invitation to a friendly and playful game of tug of war between their head and your hands. Don't give up! Hang on until the singer or guitar player submits. Drummers are often safe from this fun game since they usually sit in the back, protected by the guitar players. Keyboard players are protected by their instrument,and only play the game when tricked into coming out from behind their keyboards. Though difficult to get them play, it's not impossible, so keep trying. They're especially vulnerable during the break between songs.

TALKING WITH THE BAND

The best time to discuss anything with the band in any meaningful way is at the middle of a song when all band members are singing at the same time. Our hearing is so advanced that we can pick out your tiny voice from the megawatt wall of sound blasting all around us.

Musicians are expert lip readers too. If a musician does not reply to your question or comment during a tune, it's because they didn't get a good look at your mouth in order to read your lips. Simply continue to scream your request and be sure to over emphasize the words with your lips. This helps immensely. Don't be fooled. Singers have the innate ability to answer questions and sing at the same time. If the singer doesn't answer your questions immediately, regardless of how stupid the question may seem, it's because they are purposely ignoring you. If this happens, immediately cop an attitude. We love this.

HELPING THE BAND

If you inform the band that you are a singer, the band will appreciate your help with the next few tunes, or however long you can remain standing on stage. Just pretend you're in a Karaoke bar. Simply feel free to walk up on stage and join in. By the way, the drunker you are, the better you sound, and the louder you should sing.

If by chance you fall off the stage, be sure to crawl back up and attempt to sing harmony. Keep in mind that nothing assists the band more than outrageous dancing, fifth and sixth part harmonies, or a tambourine played out of tempo. Try the cowbell; they love the challenge. The band always needs the help and will take this as a compliment.

VERY IMPORTANT

Remember to allow enough time to make it from the stage to the bathroom in case of an emergency. On stage accidents are bad form. The band will carry on.

BONUS TIP

As a last resort, wait until the band takes a break and then get on stage and start playing their instruments. They love this. Even if you are ejected from the club, you can rest assured in the fact that you have successfully completed your audition. The band will call you immediately the following day to offer you a position. See you at the next gig ...

[ASB10]

Far and away one of the most accurate portrayals of the general public that we see from our standpoint as weekend warriors. I especially relate to the "oh you don't know that song. I bet you know it. Just try it." People don't seem to understand that we can't just make new songs magically appear.....seriously, I don't know "Jessie's Girl" and I don't plan on learning it.....

[songsmith]

Absolutely drop-dead brilliant. I have had every single one of these things happen at a show, including a woman peeing herself TWICE on the same night. I love a great audience, but they keep getting more and more rare. Great post.------>JMS

[FatVin]

If a metal band had played at the club a few weeks ago, the next band that follows will automatically know every metal tune the previous band ever played, even if the current band is a blues or country band. It's the law. Feel free to yell "AC/DC!" or "SLAYER!" to a band that plays strictly originals or jazz for example. Conversely, Deadheads may yell for Grateful Dead tunes at a dance or metal band.

Brilliant, I forgot to breathe I was laughing so hard!!!!!

[Jim Price]

Clever stuff!

I actually printed off some copies of this. I'm going to keep them in my car, and maybe when I see audience members exhibiting these traits, I'll try to leave a copy of the writ on their table when they run to the rest room...

I hope there's also one of these out there relating to radio. Every so often, I run into the individual who, after 2 or 3 drinks, suddenly has acrued more knowledge and expertise about the radio business than folks like me who have been in it for 20-plus years...

And by the way, if you want to drive your expertise about a subject home further, just keep repeating your point over and over again, like a broken record. After the 5th or 6th time repeating it, the person you're repeating it to will surely be convinced that your point is correct. (I dealt with this situation a couple of weeks ago in a local watering hole, some drunk kept repeating his wisdom about radio over and over and over, and would not shut up!)

I digress...I had to vent.

[HurricaneBob]

Ohh man my gut hurts !!
It was a full moon tonight and every paragraph was represented!
Im printing that out for the band to read, man that is the shit!
Great find Paul!

[bassist4life2004]

True genious, TRUE TRUE F'ING GENIOUS!!! That right there portrays every show that we play. Every time i sing, people have this all too sudden urge to hop on the other mic, or beat a tamborine in my face. I also sympathize with the part where people talk to the singer during songs. I had a dude come up and try talking to me while i was singing, and when that didnt work, he tried to kiss me.... Thats the point in the song where you stop and tell the dude to get the hell up off you, lol.

People dont understand that we have to concentrate and that our shows dont revolve strictly around them.

This should be inserted somewhere in the Rockpage Bible/Korran, or whatever you prefer. Hats off to the guy who wrote that.

Songs that i DONT KNOW:
Jesse's Girl
Brown Eyed Girl
She Talks To Angels
Jenny (8675309)
Raining Blood - Slayer

[bassist4life2004]

It should be added to that first post that We all really appreciate when you walk into/trip over our equipment. Nothing in the world can compare to the rush that we have when a $400 speaker or $700 guitar makes a head-on trip to the floor. It saves us the pain of testing to see how durable our equipment really is. Consider yourself a roadie if you knock our equipment to the ground.

[Skate Toad]

The comment about the drummer being safe is true most of the time. Except i had one experience where a fun loving drunk lady barely able to support herself stand/lean right in front of the drums and insist on trying to shake my hand in the middle of a song. If you want a challenge there is a good one for you, every time you go to do a fill or crash a cymbal there is is a paw right in the way. Normally i would of been inclined to use her wrist as a trigger pad and get a cool noise out of her, but her large and equally courteous boyfriend was molesting our singer in a variety of said ways from the original post. Amazing, she just couldn't believe that i didn't have a third arm to accommodate her friendliness. I believe it took her almost a whole song before she got bored and pissed with our little game and stumbled to her next victim. Sometimes i wonder why the hell i bother even trying to entertain these idiots. Damn addiction to playing music!

[songsmith]

Good point about tromping through equipment. Please do. I make my living with it, and some of it is over 50 years old, and nearly irreplaceable. And, while you have an entire dance floor to freak-dance, do try and back into my mic stand, it wakes me up to get my teeth loosened.--------->JMS

[bassist4life2004]

Yea, i was standing with my acoustic guitar and a boom stand singing, saw someone backing towards my mic, i lifted my foot up, and booted him in the ass.

[Imgrimm01]

Wow that was great and so accurate... I love the " hey I play guitar can I do seek & destroy with you guys" no we don't do that one, "well I'll teach you guys it" "I'm really good" . I try hard to be good to fans as much as possible I mean they paid money to be there after all but are musicians the only ones who know how to act in public? I mean what other profession do you think that happens in? Do these people go to Wal-mart and ask if they can run the register or to UPS and ask to drive a truck? Makes me wonder man really it does.

[songsmith]

Here's another:
If I CAN somehow play ten of your requests, that means I am your personal IPOD until YOU say when. I will listen to nobody else, and if I do, you have every right to call me an a-hole. If I only go 20 minutes overtime, which I do regularly, simply call me lazy. You'd get pissed if your boss kept YOU late, but music is fun, not work. Also, if you want to hear Margaritaville three times, what the hey. Okay, to me it's like parking your car, getting back in, parking it again, etc, etc, and it bothers the other patrons, but IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.
And why would I want to be tipped? I get my money for nothing and my chicks for free. --------->JMS

[Hannibal]

Please don't leave out the people who tell the sound guy "You can't run an EQ like that! It has to look like [drawing smiley face] . You don't know what the #@*& you are doing!"
or
"Where's the SUCK knob? Doesn't every board have one?"
or
"The drums aren't loud enough"
"The drums are too loud"
"The guitar [pick something]."

"Do you know what all those knobs do?
"What if I turn this one?"

[bassist_25]

It should be added to that first post that We all really appreciate when you walk into/trip over our equipment. Nothing in the world can compare to the rush that we have when a $400 speaker or $700 guitar makes a head-on trip to the floor. It saves us the pain of testing to see how durable our equipment really is. Consider yourself a roadie if you knock our equipment to the ground.

I hear that. I was playing a club a few years ago. It was one of those places where the stage doubles as a storage area during the week when bands aren't playing (why do clubs do this?). Well, we had our equipment setup, and a patron decides to go grab chairs that are stacked up behind my basses on stage. We offer to go get the chairs for him but he declines. Right then he knocks my Precision into a 2x15 cabinet. The guy just ran off stage in an embarrased fashion as I went to inspect the damage. . There's still a ding in the neck from it.

[bassist4life2004]

i totally sympathize with you paul. One night ryan and i were doing a show at crazy daves, and some dude, knocked my $700 Fender acoustic to the fuckin ground, right on its top. I could have died. Another night, some bitch got way too drunk and wanted to sing, spilled beer all over my guitar, all over the EQ, all down the top, all over every part of my guitar. But, the worst part was, later on i was sitting in ryans chair with his guitar and a speaker on a speaker pole right next to me. These 2 girls started messing around, the one pushed the other right into the speaker pole. Now, we dont have cheap-o equipment. We use a powered JBL mixer and powered JBL speakers. That speaker came close to landing right on my head. I dropped ryans Ibanez Acoustic, its about a 1200 acoustic, not made anymore, and grabbed that speaker on its way down. Ryan looked like he was about to have an anurism because those speakers are his babies, and so is the guitar.

I, personally, have never been so scared in my life.

[bassist4life2004]

Another thing i realized wasnt in the original thread starting post.

Us musicians will always believe every drunk person who comes up to us during a show and says "I have a friend that works in "so & so" record lable. We love the fact that you like us that much that you would call upon a personal favor to get us signed to your friends lable. That means the world to us. We will actually sit at home, by the phone, and wait on your best friends highly acclaimed record lable to give us a call. We are also very appreciative that you are best friends with the guitarist from Alter Bridge, and the lead singer from Disturbed. We will also wait by the phone to hear from Mark Tremonti or Dave Dramine about a possible tour that we could set up.

And we also know that just because you drink gallons upon gallons of Jagermeister per week that you have a friend who is a rep and would be glad to endorse us.

[ToonaRockGuy]

Great thread, but let's not forget about our fellow musicians!

One of the great band stories I have has always been when I was playing and living in South Carolina. My lead guitarist always loved to come running at my drumkit and jump up on one or both of my kick drums and try to "get me into it" with the big rockstar act.

I kept telling him not to jump on and stand on my drums, but he kept doing it.

Finally, one night when we were playing at a bar called Rockburger in front of about 2500 people, he did it again and badly cracked the shell of my main kick drum.

So, next time we played, I waited until he opened up the case of his $3500 Gibson Les Paul to let it acclime to the room.

I went over and stepped on the neck of it. Yup, it snapped.

He ran over, totally pissed off. I just looked at him and said "I told you not to stand on my fucking drums."

He quit a month later.

:::Shrugs:::

It's not something that I would even think about doing now. I treat others' instruments with complete and utter respect, and most people do treat my drums with respect as well. But there's always someone that is gonna grab your axe or sticks and start wailing away while you cringe.

[JeffLeeper]

Excellent.

For 27 years I've been dealing with this aspect of the dancing public. That was dead-on.

The only thing you missed was , "I'm gonna beat you up 'cause my girlfriend thinks you're cute.".

[ToonaRockGuy]

I think you're cute too, Jeff.

[JeffLeeper]

I'll bet you say that to all the old fat guys....

[songsmith]

...He does. ------>JMS

[Jones]

Please don't leave out the people who tell the sound guy "You can't run an EQ like that! It has to look like [drawing smiley face] . You don't know what the #@*& you are doing!"
or
"Where's the SUCK knob? Doesn't every board have one?"
or
"The drums aren't loud enough"
"The drums are too loud"
"The guitar [pick something]."

"Do you know what all those knobs do?
"What if I turn this one?"

"What if I turn this one?" ha ha ha ha, if I had a nickel for everytime I heard that shit.

Here's one.....Please hold your beer over my console. It only cost me $4,000 and I haven't tested it for liquid proofing yet.

[ZappasXWife]

I mean what other profession do you think that happens in? Do these people go to Wal-mart and ask if they can run the register or to UPS and ask to drive a truck? Makes me wonder man really it does.

Well actually it happens to me in this irritating way:
They say: so you're a dietitian, do you think the Atkins (insert any number of diets here) is safe/effective/whatever
I say: no (if I really think no) and give reasons
Then, 9 times out of 10 they proceed to argue with me and tell me all about nutrition and why I'm wrong. And they NEVER back down.
Don't ask my opinion if you plan on totally rejecting my answer! It irritates me because its like they are quizzing me on my 9+ years of expertise, not honestly wanting my professional opinion. Not as bad as what you guys put up with, but still irritating...

[esa]

My particular enjoyment is being part of the band, but not a playing part.

EG:

When the musicians have their amp's miked, and someone is close to the stage (gasp! i know..that never happens) and they bump it... so, of course I have to be the one who bumped their mic! Because I'm the one who is racing across the stage, taking the bands' picture and the fans pictures... (I had that happen at an In show...Adam finally introduced me to the one band guy...and explained that I know my way across a stage after I got an ear beating for fk'ing up his speaker...a big misunderstanding, and he eventually did beat the guy who kept dance-bumping the mic...) so...now, not only am I taking pictures, but I'm making sure that I'm well clear of anything else closely related to this guy's area...just incase he has a short fuse! The hazzards....

or

Did you know that the singers sound much better when you are dancing/moshing/flailing (like a frog in a blender) infront of the mic stands...and you have to knock into them...to either hit the singer, or send the mic stand flying out into the crowd so that the Roadies have to go flying to catch it before it dents the mic or hurts someone...And we, the roadies, enjoy having to babysit that section of mics, amps, etc equipment for the rest of the night because the crazy drunk dancers can't leave that spot...lest the singer misses their michael jacksonish spinnings...they dance for the singer and the singer alone (sometimes for the bass player...)

or

The drunk dancer. You know, the guy that you feel bad for. The one who comes over to you, where you're sitting, alone, drinking your drink, watching the band and asks you if you want to dance. Yes! you've been dying to dance, but since you're alone, you will not do the "dancing with myself" thing. So you get up and boogie with him once...then he keeps coming back...again...and again...and again... You realize he smells kinda funny (since you're forced into a slow song, because the singer thinks they think it's hilarious that you're trapped out on the floor with the dancing fool!) and, though he might not be touching you inappropriately...yet....he is still thinking it and thus you want to go directly home and shower. Alas, no! You must engage in conversation with him. And since he drug you to dance infront of the loudest speaker imaginable, you have to bend your head in close to hear the rambling conversation unfold...Alot of smiling and nodding ensues since you make out every 4th word.
::drunken slur:: Heyyyyyyyyy....fantashtic band! donchthink? "Yeah, they're great"...I shaw you with the Bassh Player....sleeping with him? "Yeah, that's my man." Great! These guysh are fenom..pheno...femminimma(phenominal?)...::he pauses rewording:: they're great! Do you know them? "Yeah, they're family. All of them." Doya think I could go sing with them later? I know a lot of songs theesh (these) boys could learn. I write shongs, doyoubelievethat? A writer...and I can teach these young spits a thing or two about playin. I have the songs in my coat (don't they always have them with them?) Whatcha think? Are you married? "::groan:: Yes. And he's very possessive." At this point in time the band will break, and you will flee to your protector...who will say that no, it isn't a problem if you dance with his woman. She, afterall, loves to dance and since he is always on stage, never gets to dance with her, would love for you to continue to dance with her as much as she desires... grumble mutter gah.

When it gets to the point where it's easier to lie about marital status (okay, well, it's pretty close to true that he's my hubby) and that always goes in and out of the convo between them being great and you being single...then you know it's time to get another drink or go to the bathroom. That's the bad part of being a roadie/groupie when all the other "band wives" rarely come out. You're alone at a table and left to the god's of drunk. Because, as long as you have all your teeth, have few to none hairs on your chin and upper lip, and can talk in monosylabic answers, you're hott and you must be frisky! So why don't you go outside with the nice drunk...because he can dance and is mr. wonderful, even if he's had one or two (but is not drunk by anymeans!)....he'll even talk to you again if you want! Care to dance?!?