Stupid Short Jokes

Mackovyak · Post by **Mackovyak** » Monday May 16, 2005

What do you call a 80 lb. midget with 40 lb. balls?

Half nuts!

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What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

A stick!
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A skeleton walks into a bar....

Orders a beer and a mop.

witchhunt · Post by **witchhunt** » Monday May 16, 2005

What do you call a lady with one leg?
Eileen
What do you call a Japanese lady with one leg?
Irene
What do you call a guy with no arms or legs and you throw him in the pool?
Bob

esa · Post by **esa** » Monday May 16, 2005

As he was approaching the teller's window at his bank, a man tripped and careened forward. Fortunately, he caught himself before he fell.
"Apparently, sir," the teller said, "you came here to get your balance."

bassist4life2004 · Post by **bassist4life2004** » Monday May 16, 2005

A baby seal walked into a club...

BigJohn · Post by **BigJohn** » Monday May 16, 2005

Had a dream last night I ate a giant mashmellow,
Woke up this morning my pillow was gone.

Brian of the Clan Plush · Post by **Brian of the Clan Plush** » Monday May 16, 2005

How do crazy people get through the forest? They take the Psycho Path

What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!

What do eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids

....who says there's nothing useful on the internet!

Brian of the Clan Plush · Post by **Brian of the Clan Plush** » Monday May 16, 2005

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.
The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?”
The pirate says, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”

A priest, a rabbi and a polock walk into a bar. The bartender says "what is this, some kind of joke!"

Bert|Evil · Post by **Bert|Evil** » Tuesday May 17, 2005

Brian of the Clan Plush wrote:A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper.
The bartender says, “Hey! Did you know you have a steering wheel attached to your willie?”
The pirate says, “Aye! It’s driving me nuts!”

That one was on Robot Chicken recently!! Did you hear it before that?

DMFJ03 · Post by **DMFJ03** » Tuesday May 17, 2005

What do you call a dog with no arms and no legs - What does it matter, he won't come to you anyway!!

byndrsn · Post by **byndrsn** » Tuesday May 17, 2005

Bill Clinton!

(sorry, I couldn't help myself)

DMFJ03 · Post by **DMFJ03** » Tuesday May 17, 2005

byndrsn wrote:Bill Clinton!

(sorry, I couldn't help myself)

ROTFLMFAO!!!

Bert|Evil · Post by **Bert|Evil** » Tuesday May 17, 2005

byndrsn wrote:Bill Clinton!

(sorry, I couldn't help myself)

VERY nice!! Very nice, indeed!!!

Bert|Evil · Post by **Bert|Evil** » Tuesday May 17, 2005

Do any of you guys remember a movie from the 1980's called Night Patrol? The line up has, but is not limited to, Pat Paulsen, Pat Morita (as a rape victim), and a very young Andrew Dice Clay. It had some great one liners. http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0087795/fullcredits

Here's a few of my favorites:

How do you get a witch pregnant? You f@ck her!

Why does a dog lick his nuts? Because he can!

(looking at a condom machine in the bathroom) Hey, you see this "sold for the prevention of disease, only"? Don't buy it man!! I wore one for a week and I got the mumps!!

Anyway, It came out on DVD last summer for some reason. A classic!!

witchhunt · Post by **witchhunt** » Tuesday May 17, 2005

How come when Grimm makes a crack about Bush, a bunch of dickholes have to jump his case about it?

Bert|Evil · Post by **Bert|Evil** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

witchhunt wrote:How come when Grimm makes a crack about Bush, a bunch of dickholes have to jump his case about it?

Relevance!!!

Imgrimm01 · Post by **Imgrimm01** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

I can answer that for you Witch, It's simple really ... The Republican way is to FORCE their beliefs upon you and the rest of the world, That's why we ignored practically re wrote the constitution over Terri Schiavo, and why Gays cannot be married, etc... The religious right is running this Country and if you don't agree with them then you are DIE hard against america, Why is it if I don't believe in War I don't support the troops? And why is it if I don't wear a flag on my shirt or spend 2.99 on a stupid Goddamn magnetic ribbon for my car I don't love my country? I do love my country I just don't feel the need to display it with a ribbon or flag. Here's an example for you though because I don't display my love for country on my car or clothing , I'm UN american, BUT I love pussy very much and if I chose to display a pic of a pussy on my car with the words "support Pussy Lovers" these same people would run me outta town yes my town right here in america !

Mackovyak · Post by **Mackovyak** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

There should be a sticky topic in this board....."Who wants to argue about politics."

-------------------------------------------

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on."

So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home.

On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it.

Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned.

He then went to answer the phone.

The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage.

Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself.

She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not.

At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!!

There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"

gymnast · Post by **gymnast** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

Number 20 is my number one thought on a daily basis

THINGS STRESSED WOMEN SAY AT WORK:

1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf*ck you.

2. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.

3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up

4. Well, aren't we a damn ray of sunshine?

5. Don't bother me, I'm living happily ever after.

6. Do I look like a people person?

7. This isn't an office. It's hell with fluorescent lighting.

8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You chose.

10. Why don't you try practicing random acts of intelligence and
senseless acts of self-control?

11. I'm not crazy. I've been in a very bad mood for 30 years.

12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.

13. Do they ever shut up on your planet?

14. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven't
gone to sleep yet.

15. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable

16. Back off!! You're standing in my aura.

17. Don't worry, I forgot your name too.

18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.

19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.

20. Wait... I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

21. Chaos, panic and disorder... my work here is done.

22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

23. You look like shit... Is that the style now?

24. Earth is full. Go home

25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?

26. I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

27. A hard-on doesn't count as personal growth.

Bert|Evil · Post by **Bert|Evil** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

Imgrimm01 wrote:I can answer that for you Witch, It's simple really ... The Republican way is to FORCE their beliefs upon you and the rest of the world, That's why we ignored practically re wrote the constitution over Terri Schiavo, and why Gays cannot be married, etc... The religious right is running this Country and if you don't agree with them then you are DIE hard against america, Why is it if I don't believe in War I don't support the troops? And why is it if I don't wear a flag on my shirt or spend 2.99 on a stupid Goddamn magnetic ribbon for my car I don't love my country? I do love my country I just don't feel the need to display it with a ribbon or flag. Here's an example for you though because I don't display my love for country on my car or clothing , I'm UN american, BUT I love pussy very much and if I chose to display a pic of a pussy on my car with the words "support Pussy Lovers" these same people would run me outta town yes my town right here in america !

Force is needed when dealing when dealing with the typical Liberals/ Democrats, moreover the people who refuse to see the big picture. Numbers are great for proving things and getting your point across, but the typical Liberal/ Democrat did terribly in their math courses... which may have forced them to follow the lost causes.

If you’re one of the many that choose to believe that religion had so much to do with this election, that Socialist Security is in good shape, and that Mr. Bush is going to take away your Socialist Security, you definitely need to see the big picture. Of course, you would have to want to see the big picture.

Remember, stupidity is learned! You weren't born stupid!

Bert|Evil · Post by **Bert|Evil** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

Kindly disregard one "when dealing".

Post by **Ron** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

Bert|Evil wrote: Force is needed when dealing when dealing with the typical Liberals/ Democrats, moreover the people who refuse to see the big picture. Numbers are great for proving things and getting your point across, but the typical Liberal/ Democrat did terribly in their math courses... which may have forced them to follow the lost causes.

If you’re one of the many that choose to believe that religion had so much to do with this election, that Socialist Security is in good shape, and that Mr. Bush is going to take away your Socialist Security, you definitely need to see the big picture. Of course, you would have to want to see the big picture.

Remember, stupidity is learned! You weren't born stupid!

That has to be one of the most ignorant loads of crap I've ever read.

DMFJ03 · Post by **DMFJ03** » Wednesday May 18, 2005

Ron wrote:
Bert|Evil wrote: Force is needed when dealing when dealing with the typical Liberals/ Democrats, moreover the people who refuse to see the big picture. Numbers are great for proving things and getting your point across, but the typical Liberal/ Democrat did terribly in their math courses... which may have forced them to follow the lost causes.

If you’re one of the many that choose to believe that religion had so much to do with this election, that Socialist Security is in good shape, and that Mr. Bush is going to take away your Socialist Security, you definitely need to see the big picture. Of course, you would have to want to see the big picture.

Remember, stupidity is learned! You weren't born stupid!
That has to be one of the most ignorant loads of crap I've ever read.

Amen to that.

gymnast · Post by **gymnast** » Thursday May 19, 2005

A woman gets home, screeches her car into the driveway, runs into the
house, slams the door and shouts at the top of her lungs, "Honey,pack
your bags. I won the lottery!"

The husband says, "Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or
mountain stuff?"

"Doesn't matter," she says. "Just get the hell out."

Bert|Evil · Post by **Bert|Evil** » Thursday May 19, 2005

Q: Upon leaving the womens help shelter, what was the first thing that the woman did?

A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her!

DMFJ03 · Post by **DMFJ03** » Thursday May 19, 2005

What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Nothing, you tried telling the bitch twice.

ROCKPAGE

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