Cardio Bunnies...

[Banned]

I recently joined a gym at a college nearby my house. I workout on my lunch break at my place of employment, but it’s cutting season and I’ll be doing cardio on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday evenings. I could have ran at the track nearby my apartment, but I would be missing out on all the hot college CARDIO BUNNIES! I knew I would be able to score with em, but it didn’t even take me an hour!

So I head into the gym, wearing a PUMA track suit. First I check out the weights section. Typical. Bunch of shaggy haired Ashton Kutcher look alikes doing some chest and bi’s, hoping to get that beach body for Cancun. Pathetic. One guy got a SPOT for benching 135x1. Amazing. I was going to head over and load up 315 and rep it for 12, but I had bigger fish to fry.

On to the cardio area. There’s 16 treadmills. About 10 were occupied; 7 by HOT college girls, 2 by mediocre girls, and 1 fatty. Oh yeah, and like 3 fat guys. I do some stretching in front of the machines before removing my tearaway pants and jacket. Underneath is a pair of green shorts and a beater. I notice the ladies eyes shifting towards me as I pile on a treadmill. I put on my IPOD, but do not listen to music. (This is a trick of mine; whenever I work out I put my IPOD on because I don’t like to be bothered, but I never play music - I like to listen people compliment me when they don’t think I can hear them). “Look at the veins in his arms!” and “Check out those legs… Damn!” were two of the better comments. I ran for 30 minutes and got off, walked to the front of the treadmills and did some stretching. Then I made my move. Lifting up my beater to wipe the sweat off my face, I gave the ladies a shot of the goods. I heard one girl even say “Vicki, Look! LOOK at that!”. Then I hear a loud BOOM. One girl had fallen OFF her treadmill (Whether it was because of seeing my body or not I’m unsure, but I’m willing to bet that was the cause). She hit her face on the belt and had a bloody nose. I got the fuck out of there.

I was heading back to my car, satisfied that I had planted the seed for future hookups when I hear some footsteps behind me. “Um… Sir” I turn around and see a sexy 5’5” blonde with some nice ta-tas.

Me: Yes?
Hot girl: I saw your body in there, and umm… I was wondering if I could get some advice? I’m headed to South Padre Island for Spring Break and I really want to look good
Me: Step into my office baby, and we’ll see what we can do. <I unlock the doors to my BMW and she climbs in>

HG: Wow, this is a really nice car.
Me: Yeah, it's all right. I auctioned off my Porsche and gave the profit to the tsunami relief fund. I miss that car.
HG: That is so sweet! Oh my god... Are you crying?
Me: <Trying to cry fake tears> Yeah well, it's just so awful what happened to those people. <Note: I’ve never donated a PENNY to charity, nor have I owned a porsche>

Me: But we were talking about you. Why don’t you take off that shirt so I can see what we’re working with. <I thought it would be difficult to talk her into this, but she never hesitated. I surveyed her body saying “Mmm, hmmm” and “Okay”>

Me: You’re gonna have to take off those pants. I NEED to get a good overall look at you.
HG: Is that really necessary?
Me: Off with the pants, sweetie. <She takes off her pants, and I notice that “HOTTIE” is printed across her ass. At this point, I know I’m getting some. Girls that wear pants that say, “HOTTIE”, “ANGEL” or “BABY” are HUGE whores.>

Me: Well, I’ll tell ya what. I’ll give you my ab routine free of charge.
HG: Really? You’d do that for me?
Me: Yeah I’ll just email it to you.
HG: That’s so nice of you. How could I ever repay you?
Me: <Surveying her body> I can think of one way <I point towards my one-eyed semen demon and she goes down>

This girl was a Hoover fuckin’ vaccum. Obviously a sorority girl, she stops after 25 minutes and says “How long is this gonna take?” (I had slammed my girlfriend at about 4PM so I wasn’t blowing any time soon).

Me: You want the fuckin’ ab routine or not? <She goes back to doing her job, and about 45 minutes later she gets a thick serving of protein down her throat>

Me: All right. I’m out. <I throw her pants and shirt outside the car. She starts getting dressed>

HG: Email me that routine, Okay?
Me: Sure.
HG: When are we gonna hang out again?
Me: Ummm…
HG: Come on, give me your number.
Me: <Putting on my aviator sunglasses> Look baby, you don’t wanna get messed up with me. I’m an outlaw. A rebel.
HG: But, i dont even know your name and--

With that, I peel out into the night. All in a day’s work. All in a day's work.

[gymnast]

Um spring break was in March, you should change your recently to a few months back.

The girl fell off the treadmill cuz you lifted your arm to wipe your face with your man beater and well the b. o. resonating from your arm pits was like a green cloud of swamp gas.

[bassist_25]

*waits for all of the easily offended people to come into this thread and bitch, despite the fact that they knew what it was going to be about when they clicked on it*

[ERiC_AiXeLsyD]

This shit adds entertainment to my day.

[J Michaels]

This dude ought to be writing shows for Spike TV! Or story lines for the WWE at least!

[lonewolf]

And then you woke up and found that your bed had a tiny little spot of goo....

[byndrsn]

*waits for all of the easily offended people to come into this thread and bitch, despite the fact that they knew what it was going to be about when they clicked on it*

What is your problem Paul? I know, I know - I don't have to read his posts - but you know damn well that, like you, I read every post.

I can't help it if I think this guy is a jackass. Just the way it is. I can't see the humor. All I can see is some idiot whose only contribution to this site is mindless, pathetic attempts at violent humor. I probably wouldn't care so much if he was open with his identity or at least had something else to contribute on here.

But until then - I'LL BITCH IF I WANT TO. If he can write trash on here, then I should be free to bitch about it.

[Staceman]

It's funny stuff, methinks. But then again, I do have a somewhat sick sense of humor.

Reminds me a lot of stuff from here:

http://www.mybigblackcock.com/archives/category/baller/

(despite the domain name, it's *not* a pr0n site!)

[bassist_25]

But until then - I'LL BITCH IF I WANT TO

True, but I don't understand why you would get all bent out of shape over it.

[BDR]

He (or she) is doing it partially to get a rise outta anyone who will take the bait, but, unlike a troll, he (or she) is not attacking anyone or causing any harm. I really don't understand why anyone has become offended by any of these posts. That's what I see as pathetic and I'll be glad to explain my position.

Now, my point is, woofburger has given no one a good reason to attack him (or her), but he (or she) has been attacked numerous times since coming on the board with these off-the-wall threads, simply because the posts are pointless and outrageous. There's been no other reason for anyone to get bent out of shape.

As far as woofburger revealing an identity, I don't see that as necessary in this situation. Again, there have been no attacks issued, only goofy stories. This is not troll behavior.

If we want to get technical, let's do a comparison. I don't think I've ever met you, "byndrsn," and I don't know your name, other than your forum ID. There's no way for me to find out your name from your profile, either. Now, in your last post alone, you attacked someone you don't know who's done nothing to you twice: "... this guy is a jackass ..." and "All I can see is some idiot ...". Why? The hostility is unwarranted and a little strange in my book.

Think about this: If I came to every one of your shows and bitched, out loud, all night long that I couldn't stand your band, if I heckled you every time you played a different song, calling it "mindless, pathetic attempts at playing music," that would make me a jerk off. After a while, you'd probably ask me to stop coming to the shows or more likely you'd smack me in the mouth.

This is what you're doing with this guy's (or girl's) threads. You know it offends you in some weird way, you know you hate it, even though others apparently approve of and enjoy the posts, yet you continue to "go to the woofburger shows" and heckle.

Plus, you're obviously getting upset about it. That's fucked up.

r:>)

[PastorofMuppets]

does woofburger even play an instrument or in a band at all?

[Imgrimm01]

I have read every post woof has written and found some of them mildly amusing and some just senseless BUT I look at his posts the way I look at EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in my life, Live and let live! If what anyone says or does does not hurt someone else then it's ok !! I feel like this guy should certainly be able to say whatever he likes wherever he likes , Isn't this America? Now I know that in the " new G.W.Bush's" America some of our freedoms have been crushed and stepped on in the name of " safety" but remember "anyone who would give up freedom for safety deserves neither" Ben Franklin. Come on let this person say what ever he wants...

[BDR]

does woofburger even play an instrument or in a band at all?

Does it matter?

r:>)

[byndrsn]

Actually, I've never gotten "bent out of shape" over these posts. I just post my opinion that it is childish attempts at humor.

As for who I am, that SHOULD be easy to figure out, at least I think so.

Paul, you are always analyzing things - seriously, what does your schooling tell you about these "stories"? I don't have the education, but I would guess that this person is delusional and is typing out his fantasies in order to compensate for some lack of physical, sexual or mental abilities that he/she lacks.

Anyway, like I said, I still think he is a jackass - first impressions and all - and you can feel however you want about me for saying that.

And, Bobby Lee, that may be the first thing you said about Bush that I can actually agree with you on (at least to some extent). And, with that in mind - I want you to read this quote that I read this morning:

"It's easy for elected officials in Washington to tell the American people that government will do whatever it takes to defeat terrorism. Such assurances inevitably are followed by proposals either to restrict the constitutional liberties of the American people or spend vast sums from the federal treasury. We must understand that politicians and bureaucrats always seek to expand their power, without regard to the long-term consequences. If you believe in smaller government, ask yourself one simple question. Does the Patriot Act increase or decrease the power of the federal government over your life? The answer is obvious to those who understand that freedom cannot be exchanged for security."

- Rep. Ron Paul (R-Texas)

Urbs
(Tom Urbain)
(Resides in Cresson, PA)
(Rythym guitar for Beyond Reason)
(Proud Father)
(Conservative Democrat)
(Instructional Designer)
(Alcoholic)
(Biker)

[BDR]

Yeah, Future Bobby, I'd be interested to read you going all "Frued" on woofburger, too.

Good call, Tom.

r:>)

[PastorofMuppets]

does woofburger even play an instrument or in a band at all?

Does it matter?

r:>)

no, i was just curious was all.

[esa]

I think I've got a pretty good sense of humor.
I think I'm a pretty laid back kinda gal.
I think everyone knows that I sublet my area of mind gutter since it is so large.
I think everyone here knows I'm a pretty nice gal who will fk anyone up if they tried to hurt anyone I love.
I think everyone here knows I'm pretty level headed, and before violence ensues, being the smarter person makes you better.

I also know that while most of you are entertained by this pointless jargon, he has a right to post it under the constitution. It doesn't make it right though.

9 out of 10 of his posts so far have been about making women seem like ditzy little cock hounds that can't live with out his abuse. As a woman, I am insulted. This is the attitude of a rapist. Pure and simple. His posts have nothing more than trash talk to make him sound like "he's the man" when he isn't. Actually, he seems like a reversal of Aja. Where once before, women were letting themselves get put down by the man, and now as Woof-Booger, a man is putting down women.
Funny little coincidental world, ain't it?

Yes, you don't have to read his posts.
No, you don't have to reply to anything he writes.
But still. I don't like the feeling I get when I read his things. Treating women like they are worthless nothings. If you guys call that comedy, then I'd hate to see what you thought was "priceless" in your lives.
Just remember: everytime he says about some worthless woman going down on him...every time he plays one of us for a dumb broad...that could be your wife..your sister..or your mother that he met today and dreamed that post up about.
Doesn't make me want to laugh about it...makes me want to take a shower to get this filth feeling off of mind.

I'm sorry, he's not a comedic genius, he's an idget.

[BDR]

I love "Friends," but I hate "Will and Grace." When "Friends" is on, I watch it, when "Will and Grace" is on, I quickly change the channel.

I'm an NFL fan, but I can't stand NASCAR, golf or tennis. When the Stillers are on, I watch it with my jersey on and my game ball in hand. If there's a race on, I very quickly change the channel. Same with golf and tennis.

I don't watch shows that I hate and then sit there and bitch to my wife or anyone else who will listen about how I can't stand it. I don't write letters to the networks, admonishing them for televising things in which I find no merit, because I know someone else enjoys it. I just turn the channel.

Stephen King writes about murder, satanism, dark witchcraft, the occult, etc. Do I think he's a bad guy? No, I don't know him. I bet he's not really a murderer, a satanist, etc.

What's King and woofburger have in common? They're both writing fiction — and they both know they're writing fiction.

My advice: "Turn the channel" or go join Jerry Falwell's moral majority if woofburger offends you. There's a book burning coming up next weekend.

r:>)

[bassist_25]

Paul, you are always analyzing things - seriously, what does your schooling tell you about these "stories"? I don't have the education, but I would guess that this person is delusional and is typing out his fantasies in order to compensate for some lack of physical, sexual or mental abilities that he/she lacks.

There's no need for Freudian psychoanalysis on this one. The dude is just posting fiction (as Rob pointed out) in order to entertain himself and possibly a few others. Of course, getting a rise out of everyone else is an added bonus. Remember what I said about his awesome fishing abilities in another thread?

Between a guy wanting to start the ultimate party band and moral debates on feminism, there's been a lot of controversy here this week. Why don't we have some debates on abortion, the death penatly, and whether that nutty runaway bride should face prosecution?

[Brian of the Clan Plush]

I was trying very hard to not add to this discussion, but since Rob and Future Bobby are expending so much energy defending him (or her), I thought it worthwhile to give a little insight into what kinda person Woofburger is.

I responded to Woof's earlier thread "another confrontation...this time in the supermarket" basically supporting Rob's position that Woof wasn't hurting anyone and that the posts were entertaining. I went on to jokingly invite Woof to use that imagination to post some good stories on my bands guestbook. Instead he chose to post some vile crap that absolutely no one could find amusing or entertaining and clearly served no purpose other than to piss me off. To which I promptly deleted the post, banned his IP, and moved him from the "creative" column to the "dickhead" column in my little book of life.

as they say on court TV, "speaks to character, your honor"

[bassist_25]

I was trying very hard to not add to this discussion, but since Rob and Future Bobby are expending so much energy defending him (or her)

I really don't care either way. It's the type of low-brow comedy that I don't really find amusing. I just think it's funny that everyone's feathers are getting ruffled over it.

[byndrsn]

My feathers weren't ruffled - I can tell you that. I read it, rolled my eyes, thought (idiot) to myself and went on reading other posts.

It wasn't until I saw your response:

*waits for all of the easily offended people to come into this thread and bitch, despite the fact that they knew what it was going to be about when they clicked on it*

that I responded.

And no rob, you and I are very much alike with our tastes in sitcoms and sports, but that is television and this is a discussion board. Hence the discussion.

Anyway, kudos to Esa - very well written reply. I really didn't know what bothered me most about this persons delusional twisted fantasies until I read what Esa had to say - now I know.

Hope to see some of you at Peter C's for the Iceman benefit tonight!!!!!

Urbs

[BDR]

I think the runaway bride should get a very stiff fine and some very serious and demeaning community service — no jail time, but she made up a kidnapping and a rape. That's a crime in my book.

Bottom line: You don't want to marry the dildo, then don't — I don't really blame her, I've had plenty of exposure to crazy Baptists and I'd run, too — but let your mom or somebody know where the fuck you are, and don't blame imaginary Latinos for abducting and raping you.

This whole thing reminded my of Susan Smith and the "black guy" that jacked her car with the kids inside. The bitch drowned her own flesh and blood and then blamed it on a black guy. Sickening.

r:>)

[Brian of the Clan Plush]

My post was poorly worded. I didn't mean you were defending Woof, so much as defending the spirit of free speech on RP, to the extent that its not hurting anyone.

I respect you and Rob, and just don't want to see you chagrinned when/if Woof's true colors come to light.

[Brian of the Clan Plush]

Between a guy wanting to start the ultimate party band and moral debates on feminism, there's been a lot of controversy here this week.

I agree...its gotten a bit mean-spirited in here lately. Lets get back to that sense of community and brotherhood (or sisterhood....or boyz in the hood or whatever). Now lets hold hands and sing kumbaya...and then talk about how great Dream Theatre and Megadeath will be on the same stage