~*~Singin' da Blues~*~

[esa]

HOW TO SING THE BLUES

1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning."

2. " I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues,
'less you stick something nasty in the next line, like " I
got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
repeat it. Then find something that rhymes ... sort of: "Got a
good woman - with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like
Margaret Thatcher - and she weigh 500 pound."

4. The Blues are not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
stuck in ditch; ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft an' state-sponsored motor pools ain't even
in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues
lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die
yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, " adulthood" means being
old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in
Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg cuz you
skiing is not the blues. Breaking your leg cuz an alligator
be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall.
The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit
by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass

Bad places:
a. Ashrams
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses

11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit,
'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept
in it.

12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived.
d. you have a retirement plan or trust fund.

13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad
luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could.
Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. mixed drinks
b. kosher wine
c. Snapple
d. sparkling water

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse,
and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues
death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

16. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling

17. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie

18. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow
can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

19. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
Kiwi,etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
For example, Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore,
etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")

20. I don't care how tragic your life: you own a computer,
you cannot sing the blues. You best destroy it. Fire, a spilled
bottle of Mad Dog, or get out a shotgun. Maybe your big woman
just done sat on it. I don't care.

[J Michaels]

[bassist_25]

Yes!!!

Thank you for posting this. I remember reading this a few years, but haven't been able to find it since.

[FatVin]

Well isn't that just adorable (he said, dripping with sarcasm)
you got some things wrong. . .

Esa Wrote:

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas City still the best
places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any
place that don't get rain.

right but. . .

Being that blues is a product of the rural South, you can sing about things that happen in Mississippi or Carolina or even Louisiana, One cannot however have the blues in Florida, particularly in Key West. Reno is an acceptable place to have the blues, but not Atlantic City or Vegas (don't ask me why)

14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it's
the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
a. wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee

Coffee need not neccesarily be black, One famous blues tune admonishes a woman as follows "you fix my coffee, but you give me no milk or cream, you fix my coffee, but you give me no milk or cream, you the meanest old woman, I think I've ever seen. Coffee does however have to be coffee, not cappachino or expresso or latte and there better not be any kind of soy product anywhere near by.

Food is important too, Grits, chicken, Poke Chops (not pork chops but Poke chops, it's a very important distinction) are all acceptable blues foods, The blues cannot take place where things like salads, sushi or tofu, is being served. and for the record, The Blues is not "Atkins Friendly"

and you forgot about Sex

Sex plays a big part in the blues, For example, a woman may have a "back door man", this could mean a lover who enters her home through the back door cause he doesn't want to be seen by the neighbors or a guy who just prefers 3rd input sex with a female. One however should not refer to sex directly, it should almost always be part of a metaphor, or a double entedre`, i.e. "let me put my hot dog in your roll",or "I'll whip out my big ten inch. . .record of the band that plays the blues", etc" Sex in the blues is usually but not always from the male point of view, for example "All you pretty women, stand in line, I make love to ya, babys, in five minutes time, now ain't that a man!"

15. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse,
and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues
death if you die during a tennis match or getting liposuction.

#15 of Esa's list, documents the blues way to die but there are lots of acceptable ways to kill somebody, in fact, almost anything is good, shooting, stabbing, bludgeoning to death (preferably with a 2 X 4) are the classics, murder is VERY blues, unacceptable ways to kill include, running over with a Mercedes or having the butler do it, (unless the butler is your back door man. . .there is always a loophole isn't there?)

The reason for the killing is also important, Jealousy is good, He (or she) did you or a family member wrong is customary but cheated at cards is also good, even just to watch him die is okay but killing for the inheritance or because of a bad stock tip is strictly out of bounds

To quote the late Son House:

"The blues is what happens between the male and the female and everything else is monkey junk"

[gypsy123]

All out of lies
http://www.soundclick.com/gypsyandcrazymoon
ah I was Blind BUT NOW I SEE!!-Gypsy