Glad somebody thought they were as humorous as I did, but I can't take credit for the definitions, they were sent to me.
If you liked them, you might also enjoy what follows, which, while not humorous, was sent to me as well:
"The National Government will regard it as its first and foremost duty to revive in the nation the spirit of unity and cooperation. It will preserve and defend those basic principles on which our nation has been built. It regards Christianity as the foundation of our national morality, and the family as the basis of national life."
(I'll tell you later who said this.)
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"To announce that there must be no criticism of the president, or that we are to stand by the president right or wrong, is not only unpatriotic and servile, but is morally treasonable to the American public."
~ Republican President and War Veteran Theodore Roosevelt
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"When people speak to you about a preventive war, you tell them to go and fight it. After my experience, I have come to hate war. War settles nothing."
"Every gun that is made, every warship launched, every rocket fired, signifies in the final sense a theft from those who hunger and are not fed, those who are cold and are not clothed. This world in arms is not spending money alone. It is spending the sweat of its laborers, the genius of its scientists, the hopes of its children. This is not a way of life at all in any true sense. Under the clouds of war, it is humanity hanging on a cross of iron." ~ Republican President and Five Star General Dwight D. Eisenhower
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"I see in the near future a crisis approaching that unnerves me and causes me to tremble for the safety of my country... Corporations have been enthroned, an era of corruption in high places will follow, and the money-power of the country will endeavor to prolong its reign by working upon the prejudices of the people until the wealth is aggregated in a few hands and the Republic is destroyed."
~ Republican President Abraham Lincoln
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"It is part of the general pattern of misguided policy that our country is now geared to an arms economy which was bred in an artificially induced psychosis of war hysteria and nurtured upon an incessant propaganda of fear." ~ General Douglas MacArthur, Speech, May 15, 1951
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"National defense is the usual pretext for the policy of fleecing the people." ~ Senator John Taylor
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"The world has achieved brilliance without wisdom, power without
conscience. Ours is a world of nuclear giants and ethical infants. We know more about war than we know about peace, more about killing that we know about living." ~ General Omar Bradley
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"War is a racket. It always has been. It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. I spent thirty-three years and four months in active service in the country's most agile military force, the Marines. I served in all ranks from second lieutenant to major general. And during that period I spent most of my time being a high-class muscle man for Big Business, for Wall Street and the bankers. In short, I was a racketeer, a gangster for capitalism.
I suspected I was just part of a racket at the time. Now I am sure of it. Like all members of the military profession I never had an original thought until I left the service. My mental faculties remained in suspended animation while I obeyed the orders of the higher-ups. This is typical with everyone in the military service.
Thus I helped make Mexico, and especially Tampico, safe for American oil interests in 1914. I helped make Haiti and Cuba a decent place for the National City Bank boys to collect revenue in. I helped in the raping of half-a-dozen Central American republics for the benefit of Wall Street. The record of racketeering is long. I helped purify Nicaragua for the international banking house of Brown Brothers and Co. in 1909-1912. I brought light to the Dominican Republic for the sugar interests in 1916. I helped make Honduras 'right' for American fruit companies in 1903. In China in 1927, I helped see to it that Standard Oil went its way unmolested.
During those years, I had, as the boys in the back room would say, a swell racket. I was rewarded with honors, medals, and promotion. Looking back on it, I feel that I might have given Al Capone a few hints. The best he could do was to operate a racket in three city districts. The Marines operated on three continents."
~ Maj. Gen. Smedley Butler (former Commandant, U.S. Marine Corps), Common Sense, November 1935
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"The biggest lesson I learned from Vietnam is not to trust [our own] government's statements." ~ Senator James W. Fulbright
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"If there is one principle more deeply rooted in the mind of every American, it is that we should have nothing to do with conquest." ~ President Thomas Jefferson
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"The first casualty when war comes is the truth." ~ Sen. Hiram Johnson
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"What a cruel thing is war: to separate and destroy families and friends, and mar the purest joys and happiness God has granted us in this world; to fill our hearts with hatred instead of love for our neighbors, and to devastate the fair face of this beautiful world." ~ General Robert E. Lee
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"If Tyranny and Oppression come to this land, it will be in the guise of fighting a foreign enemy."
~ President James Madison
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"Where is it written in the Constitution, in what article or section is it contained, that you may take children from their parents and parents from their children, and compel them to fight the battles of any war in which the folly and wickedness of the government may engage itself?
Under what concealment has this power lain hidden, which now for the first time comes forth, with a tremendous and baleful aspect, to trample down and destroy the dearest right of personal liberty? Who will show me any Constitutional injunction which makes it the duty of the American people to surrender everything valuable in life, and even life, itself, whenever the purposes of an ambitious and mischievous government may require it?
A free government with an uncontrolled power of military conscription is the most ridiculous and abominable contradiction and nonsense that ever entered into the heads of men."
~ Daniel Webster, Speech in the House of Representatives, January 14, 1814
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"The statesmen will invent cheap lies, putting the blame upon the nation that is attacked, and every man will be glad of those conscience-soothing falsities, and will diligently study them, and refuse to examine any refutations of them; and thus he will by and by convince himself that the war is just, and will thank God for the better sleep he enjoys after this process of grotesque self-deception." ~ Mark Twain, "The Mysterious Stranger" (1910)
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"This struggle may be a moral one, or it may be a physical one, and it may be both moral and physical, but it must be a struggle. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never did and it never will. Find out just what any people will quietly submit to and you have found out the exact measure of injustice and wrong which will be imposed upon them, and these will continue till they are resisted with either words or blows, or with both. The limits of tyrants are prescribed by the endurance of those whom they oppress."
~ Frederick Douglass, 1857
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"That was then...but today's leaders have a different take on things...it can be seen in what they do and say at the upper levels of both political parties...take my cousin, George Bush, who doesn't read, doesn't understand and has zero character":
"This would be a lot easier if it were a dictatorship." ~ George W.
Bush, July 4, 2000
"The Constitution is only a God Damn piece of paper." ~ George W. Bush
"Our enemies...never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." ~ George W. Bush
"Of course what would one expect from the family which helped Hitler's Nazi Germany before and during WWII...and continues their treasonous ways":
(
http://www.tarpley.net/bushb.htm )
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"Naturally, the common people don't want war ... but after all it is the leaders of a country who determine the policy, and it is always a simple matter to drag the people along, whether it is a democracy, or a fascist dictatorship, or a parliament, or a communist dictatorship. Voice or no voice, the people can always be brought to the bidding of the leaders. That is easy. All you have to do is to tell them they are being attacked, and denounce the pacifists for lack of patriotism and exposing the country to danger. It works the same in every country." ~ Hermann Goering
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The quote at the beginning is from:
~ Adolph Hitler ("My New World Order", Proclamation to the German Nation at Berlin, February 1, 1933.) I bet you thought is was from the Republican Party Platform!
Mike Price
Disabled Navy Veteran 1968-76 (While my cousin George was AWOL and then a Deserter.)
Since we aren't supposed to copy from Snopes without permission, 
I took certain things out below. 
