Favorite Lyrics from Local Original Bands

[tornandfrayed]

OK, now that the ball is rolling on lyrics, George W, sexy guys and sexy girls, let's talk local bands. There are a lot of quality bands putting out great lyrics and I want to hear what you are most proud of.

I will start with a lyric from the song "Media"

"Watching pictures as they move across my TV screen,
Hollow pastime leaves my body feeling clean.
Waiting on the anchor lover girl on channel 9,
Painting her with pretty pictures on a wilted shrine"

"Taking penitence for the sins I only though I knew,
Churn the channel and I'll feel somebody new.
Whispers of that QVC guy as he states his case!
Caught between the bands, I'm feeling out of place"

"I've got a vision in my head from USA Today,
And if you listen hard, I know they'll tell you what to say.
Holy people, look at all the weapons hidden here,
Mass agendas playing on our hidden fears!"

"Nobody loves me, Nobody needs me,
Watch my colors drifting out of view.
Nobody hears me, Nobody sees me,
If I close my eyes I know I'm going to, slip away!"

Dave Moses

Now let's hear some of your best lyrics!

[313]

Beer in hand, I'm on this barstool
I watch you dance 'cross the floor
I light up a smoke, think of my best line
I'm sure you've heard them all before

It's 2 A.M., time is running... running out on tonight
The bar is closed, I spend my last dollar on a Trojan Ribbed for Delight

'Cause you're the best thing I've ever seen
As sure as I'm here leaning, you and I were meant to be

You're so fine, Guess I'm gonna have to drink you off of my mind
You're so fine, what would it take her to wanna be mine?


In case you can't tell, this is an 80's metal tune called "You're so Fine" from Regional favorites Triple X (from their "Hands and Knees" demo). 'Twas one of my favorites back then when most songs were about partying, drinking and sex.

[Chevelle7982]

I don't remember all the lyrics, but here is what I think the first verse was of a local band from about two years ago.

Woke up this morning, dazed from a dream.
Climbing twenty mile oceans, and mountains were the seas.
Everything was flipped around, insane normalacy
And so the day began, and so the day began.
Driving in the rain, drumming on my ride
Rivers of liquid thoughts, all dammed up inside, all dammed up inside, all dammed up inside.

The song is called Wage a War but I forget the chorus of the song.

[ToonaRockGuy]

"I'm gonna buy myself an island...
Out in the middle of the sea...
I'm gonna take all my friends with me...
Gonna get everything for free."

-"Free", Felix And The Hurricanes

Still waiting for the boat to leave, LOL!!! Where's my ticket??

[DMFJ03]

Tripwire

See you pouring life down the drain and
I wait to be the one they call
when it all comes crashing down to the ground
and you see your harmless
ways overcome you.

One day you’re gonna stop, crash, and burn.
Trip Fall Down.

Walking along this tripwire
Feeling like nothing can take you down.
walking along this tripwire
feeling like nothing can take you down.

Now youv’e gone and wrecked
everything we have built
Didn’t think I’d ever let go of the guilt
tried time and time again
but you never listened to me
you kept running.

One day youre gonna stop, crash, and burn
Trip Fall Down.

Walking along this tripwire
Feeling like nothing can take you down.
walking along this tripwire
feeling like nothing can take you down

One day youre gonna stop, crash, and burn
One day youre gonna trip, fall, down.

- Deviance

[Hal]

BLEND

"Miniature minds thinking their grand thoughts
Miniature people picking out everyone'e faults
Ideas seem to change
With the last thought of the night
Answers written on your face
Answers wading in your mind"


SEATBELT

"Put your motherfucking nose in the hole........SEATBELT"


Both from BACKSTREET LAW

[tornandfrayed]

I am going to post another of my favorites and I hope Josh does not mind. I love this lyric and the song is great!

"Angel By My Side"

I remember when I sat down with an angel by my side,
telling me not forget, that, which, gives me a sense of pride.
And then I dream of a train that lifts me up along it's way.
Amidst it's travels, we fell off upon a much brighter day.

And then I said, this is the place that I call home.
I will never wake up alone. All the gried, washed with tide.
I have an angel by my side. This is the place that I call home.
I will never wake up alone. All the grief washed with the tide.
I have an angel by my side.

The deafening night skies fall in, but the sun will arise,
With a powerful light beaming, directly in my eyes.
And now it's time to pray to God, greatful for this morning after.
All the tears of pain and sorrow, transcend to laughter

No Limit- Josh

This is something to be proud of!

[tgrimes175]

Critique of the song "media"

This song lacks a chorus or at least a refrain line. The song's structure is too repetitious sounding because it consists of 4 verses back to back. I want to hear at least a refrain at the end of each verse.

The lyric is also filled with fragmented thoughts and forced rhymes. For example

watching pictures as they move across my TV screen
hollow pastime leaves my body feeling CLEAN ? ( forced rhyme, also the line does't make sense, it's fragmented)

watching pictures as they move across my TV screen ( STARTS THOUGHT)
waiting on the anchor lover girl on channel 9 ( completes thought, MAKES MORE SENSE)

taking penitence for the sins I only thought I knew ( how does this fit with title?)
churn the channel and I'll feel somebody new ( rhyme breaks down, knew and new are identities, THEY DO NOT RHYME)

whispers of that qvc guy as he states his case ( WHISPERS?)
caught between the bands, I'm feeling out of place (I think it should be channels? this line could have worked, if any of your lines before it, WOULD have suggested using it)
Overall the lyric is weak. It never really makes a point about the media. There are only 2 lines that make a point about the media and they are

1 and if you listen hard, i know they'll tell you what to say
2 mass agendas playing on our hidden fears

verse 4 really sticks out like a sore thumb. It seems miss placed in this lyric. It really has nothing to do or offer toward the subject (media)

A subject like media has so much potential and many things to cover yet this writer covered no issues what so ever. The writer could have talked about how the media influences us in fashion, music, propaganda, etc. Again, other than the 2 lines that did make a point, the lyric was vague, fragmented, and offered nothing towards the title

[tgrimes175]

" You're so Fine"

The song is awkward from every possible angle.

1 I don't like the first person present tense action going on in this song. It sounds stupid when the narrator is talking to this girl and DESCRIBING everything he is doing. When you want to pick up a girl in a bar you don't say to her, " I'M SITTING HERE NEXT TO YOU, I HAVE A BEER IN MY HAND, I LIGHT UP A SMOKE"

In other words you don't describe action you are doing to someone you are talking to. Those actions are meant for STORY FORM past tense, explaining to an audience. In this case the song would be in PAST TENSE talking TO THE AUDIENCE ABOUT SOMEONE.

Example

Beer in hand, I SAT on a barstool
I WATCHED HER dance 'cross the floor
I LIT up a smoke, THOUGHT of my best line
I'm sure SHE HEARD them all before

Again, in first person present tense, with the action going on now is awkward for 2 reasons.

1 as I stated before, describing action to the girl you want to pick up sounds stupid
2 It makes your character sound arrogant. The song is suppose to be ABOUT HER, yet...... you do nothing but talk about yourself, describing action to the smallest detail of lighting a cig, etc

Which brings me to the point of the title. The song is about " you're so fine" yet the song doesn't mention anything about this girl. If he thought this girl is so fine, why is he talking more about himself. I want to hear things about this girl. Describe how sexy she is, what is she wearing? what does she smell like? etc The lyric offers nothing.


Structure wise the song is written out odd. THe opening 4 line section is a verse, but what is the 3, 2 bar sections.

I think section 2 is another verse ( I'm guessing), if so should be written

it's 2 am, time is running
running out on tonight
the bar is closed, I spent my las dollar
on a Trojan Ribbed for delight

I'd like to see more clear picture of what is a chorus and a verse?

[tgrimes175]

Tripwire

This lyric offers no clear picture of what the song is about, other than the fact someone is living life dangerously.

In order for this lyric's title to work ( Tripwire) the writer has to introduce what that is.

For example, if the song is about DRUGS, then introduce or at least HINT at lines of drug abuse. I also want to see MORE SUPPORTIVE IMAGERY that is geared toward TRIPWIRE. Otherwise, why use a metaphor like Tripwire if you are not going to get the most out of it. Example

see you SNUFFING the stuff to your brain
flying high,your STANDING TALL
when you come TUMBLING to the GROUND
I'll have to be the one they call
cause you can't stop

one day you're gonna STUMBLE and DROP

walking along the tripwire
feeling like nothing can take you down
walking along the tripwire
the TRAP will have you lying on the ground

In my opening rewrite of the verse/Pre-chorus/Chorus, I already fixed major problems.

1 I have rhyme which the original lyric lacked
2 I don't just say Tripwire, I use it. I have supportive imagery all throughout the opening sections. I use words like, STANDING, TALL, TUMBLING, GROUND, STUMBLE, DROP, TRAP, LYING. When you use a metaphor like TRIPWIRE you have to gear everything towards that. Tripwire makes you trip so you have to gear SUPPORTIVE WORDS towards that. Again, words like, tumble, stumble, trap, etc.

3 I introduce the so called tripwire. In other words I show that TRIPWIRE=DRUGS
A line like "see you SNUFFING the stuff to your brain" shows what the tripwire is.

[tgrimes175]

" Angel By My Side"


A line like " I remember when I sat down with an angel by my side"
comes off far fetched, like it can just happen like that. If angels do exist, THEY control what happens. Most often a person cannot see an angel, but if they appear to us, they are gone in a flash. Like when someone is really lost and a stranger points them in the right direction, and when they turn to thank him, no one is there.

I would have like to hear more about the narrator being alone and about his grievances. That way, when the lines " I will never wake up alone" comes, and " all the grief washed with the tide" are stated THEY MEAN SOMETHING.

There are spots with lyrical time frame problems. Watch your past, present, and future tense.

The lyric should be stated as follows

I remember when I sat down with an angel by my side
telling me not to forget, that, which gives me a sense of pride
and then I (DREAMT) of a train that lifts me up along it's way
amidst its travel, we fell off upon a much brighter day

and then I said, this is the place I call home
I will never wake up alone, all the grief, washed with the tide
i have an angel by my side
this is the place that i call home
i will never be alone
All the grief washed with the tide
I have an angel by my side

the deafening night skies (FELL) in, and the sun ROSE
with a powerful light beaming, directly in my eyes
now it's time to pray to God, grateful for this morning after
all the tears of pain and sorrow, transcend to laughter

Watch your end rhyme words in the last verse. AFTER and LAUGHTER are feminine words ( meaning 2 syllable words) as oppose to words like SIDE, PRIDE, WAY, DAY which are masculine words ( 1 syllable words). This means your melody will be different in those 2 spots from the rest of the song. Words like SIDE, PRIDE, WAY, DAY, will all end the phrase on a certain beat. A 2 syllable word like LAUGHTER cannot end the same way, simply because it has to be set to at least 2 notes. What this all means is, something will sound awkward to the listener. You built rhythmic ending expectations you do not fulfill in those 2 spots.

Overall I think this lyric needs way more story to it.

[Jim Price]

He's baaa-aaack...

Ugh.

[Killjingle]

Hey Grimes, Eric here from Deviance. Thank you for your analysis on my lyrics. I write my songs from day to day experiences. I dont write songs with the intent of everyone understanding what Im trying to say. Drugs? no, Tripwire is not about drugs, I wouldn't write about such a shallow subject. I performed my song Tripwire tonight for a couple hundred people that unanimously approved while you were at home anaylizing each and every word and "correcting" it in your own style. So, go ahead and re-write it for me genius. The next time I have a screaming crowd in front of me I'll be sure to ask if it's ok to continue to sing the lyrics I have been singing, or the all new and improved version, let's see what they say...

[tornandfrayed]

Hey grimey come back? Who the f*#k are you? Where is your lyric? Maybe that is why no one wanted to post.. Are you an asshole or do you just sound like one? Are you an artist or are you a wanna be "Siskel and Ebert"? Where's your beef? Lets hear your lyric!

No really, no one cares about that crap. You shoul probably go teach songwriting, those who can do and those who can't teach! Sounds like you are known here so I will make this short and sweet and not about you anymore.

Guys just ignore him. The songs are great! The lyrics are insightful and part of who you are. Art is subjective, critiqueing it is like arguing over who had the best Mom (mother's day) it is all relative. Unless one of you is the bastard son or daughter of Pamela Sue Anderson, then I concede. Hell I would still be breast feeding!

[tornandfrayed]

And by the way grimey the 4th verse that you didn't like is the chorus, I included it only once because that would have been repititious. This is not karaoke, it is poerty. Those of you who heard or saw Frayed know that. By the way grimey what is the name of your band? Are you a solo artist? Do you have any recorded material? Let me know I would be interested...Other then this comment I will let "Media" stand on its own. If you would have unserstood everything in it I would have been concerned.

Oh wait I found one of your tunes on the internet...

Roses are red
My assholes blue
I can't write for shit
So I'll criticize you.

LOL:-)

Excellent!

[tornandfrayed]

I am sorry grimey. I over reacted before actually reading your posts. I see now that you truely are more clueless then anything else. I am, sorry for you and I will pray for you to find meaning in the world that you so obviously want to be a part of. Eric, Josh I love your tunes. I might not understand everything but I do know that Angels are by our sides.

[MOONDOGGY]

Ron, you cant let this happen again. I know you can't legally kick him off for being a rambling lyric nazi, but who cares. What's he gonna do, press charges for not being allowed to be part of a discussion board. I beg you to please do something about tgrimes175 (aka metalrules).

P.S.- hey tgrimey, what are your thoughts on Liquid Tension (that is, if talented instrumental music isn't too far over your head).

[tgrimes175]

Screaming fans every night? Of course you will have screaming fans. We live in a modern society where everything is good, and there is nothing wrong with anything. This same philosophy is the down fall of everything from music to every day jobs.

It just goes to show no one listens to lyrics anymore. As generations move on, the modern music listener is getting more ignorant to music. What this means is no one expects anything anymore out of a musician. I really think a musician can go on stage and just fart and the crowd will love it.

My question is, what ever happened to PRIDE? Lets bring back better crafted stuff as songwriters. Take for example my rewrite of the lyric "Tripwire" I never said it had to be about drugs. The point of the lesson was to find the EQUALIZATION of using the metaphor. I just happened to choose using drugs as the equalizing factor. But lets analyze what I have done in the rewrite

First off I have RHYME in the lyric. Without rhyme the song sounds lost and all over the place. Rhyme adds closure to music as well as lyrical phrasing. It also generates that POWER we feel emotionally when we hear something resolve lyrically. I also use tons of SUPPORTIVE IMAGES that go with and support the TRIPWIRE metaphor. As a writer think about that for a minute. Tripwire= a wire set as a trap in order to cause a victim to stumble, trip, or fall. Your lyric should have images that reflect and support this concept. Words like STUMBLE, TRIP, FALL, DROP, TUMBLE,GROUND, etc should be used. Other related words like WALK, STAND, STANDING, TALL,etc should be used.

see you snuffing the stuff to your brain ( answers what the trap is)
flying high, you're STANDING TALL
when you come TUMBLING to the GROUND
I'll have to be the one they call
cause you can't STOP ( TARGET RHYME, SET UP)

one day you're gonna STUMBLE and DROP ( rhymes and closes target rhyme STOP)

walking along the tripwire
feeling like nothing can take you DOWN
walking along the tripwire
the TRAP will have you LYING on the GROUND ( rhymes and closes with word down)


My point is fans don't know what is better out there. IF you give them 2 choices, 99% I have to believe can see the difference from my rewrite as oppose to the first copy. When you do not rewrite, you are settling for all the mistakes and flaws or lack of ability that comes with the original first draft. Great lyricists rewrite to make the song better. The chances of anyone writing a great masterful lyric by the first draft is slim to none.

Take for instance your original lyric of Trip wire.
1 It lacks rhyme which generates no power in the lyric. It makes the song sound all over the place when you don't have lyrical closure..
2 could use a bit more supportive imagery
3 Tells but DOES NOT SHOW what tripwire metaphorically is. For example which generates more feeling from a listener.

" see you pouring life down the drain" = generic line and concept which tells but does not show. Because it poses a statement that doesn't address HOW. How does this person pour life down the drain? I as the listener cannot feel for a person if I do not know what is going on. Hence generic hollow thought.

" see you snuffing the stuff to your brain" = now there is an act named. Drug abuse is the SHOWING line that SHOWS what this person is doing to waste their life.

Take for instance the CHORUS SECTION

walking along this tripwire
feeling like nothing can take you down
walking along this tripwire
felling like nothing can take you down

REPEATING the same 2 lines twice comes off as FILLER MATERIAL to make the song longer. It is rather disappointing to not hear a rhyme the second time around. Especially when it screams for a rhyme because of MATCHED PHRASING.

Hence my rewrite

walking along the tripwire
feeling like nothing can take you DOWN
walking along the tripwire
the trap will have you lying on the GROUND ( rhymes and closes)


Other things that your lyric does wrong. Your 2nd verse makes you sound like another person from your first verse. First verse you come off like this neutral person who has NO RELATIONSHIP with the so called life waster. You stand there knowing and waiting for this person to trip up in life because you know what they are doing is not good. Lines like " I wait to be the one they call" = " you just wait, I can't wait until you slip up" or " SEE WHAT I TOLD YOU"

now............ when the second verse comes, you come off like the person who is having a relationship with this person. You talk about having guilt and being sympathetic. Yet, in the first verse you did nothing to show you would have those kinds of emotion. Your first verse should have been geared towards you HELPING this person, if in fact your in a relationship with them. A friend, boyfriend, or husband, does not sit around saying, " oh I cant wait to see you trip up" or " one day, your going to slip up , just wait". They would be saying things and doing things that would try to make them stop. By showing lines that you are trying to help the person, your 2nd verse would now make sense. By using words like I am feeling guilty, without showing you are trying to help in the first verse, makes your character sound like a hypocrite.

Again, your lyric is a good first draft, but it lacks in development. To many questions and expectations not fulfilled. No one writes masterpieces the first time out. Masterpieces take time and development. Again, your lyric has potential it just falls short of being complete.

[DMFJ03]

May Blow Out Sale!!

Not only can you get your "What Would Metal Rules Do?" wrist band, for a limited time only, you can get the bracelt, and our brand new "tgrimes175: I critiqued God" t-shirt. Yes, that's right. For a low low cost of $24.99!! Everyone needs to hurry, our stock is low from the last sale and these are close out prices.

Come on, you know you want one.

_____________________________________________________________

Seriously, we all know what to do. Ignore his lame ass, and lets continue on about our business. In the immortal words of Black Mage...

"Okay, remember that part when you weren't talking? Let's go back to that."

[Killjingle]

Eric from Deviance

Ok jack, what band are you in?, What type of songs do you write? How many clubs have you played in? How many years experience do you have? Who made you the authority on songwriting? Whats the biggest crowd you ever performed in front of? How many CD's have you released? How many of those CD's have you sold? How many appearances have you made on the Backyard Rocker? How far have you traveled to play? Seriously son, any day you'd like to go toe to toe on songwriting, song arrangement, melodic content or overall showmanship let me know, Id be glad to take you to school. By the way, go to www.deviance1.com, click on lyrics, and cry yourself to sleep tonight knowing you couldnt possibly touch what I've created. Tripwire is just a simple song, go read some of the more complex ones. Your opinion means nothing to me, absolutely nothing. Jealousy will get you nowhere.

[esa]

::folds arms and glares at DMFJ:: Hey.. some one stole my WWMRD? bracelettes! I was stock piling them to sell at the antique place Haison gets his "pedro" tags from... ::mutter::

[bassist_25]

Personally, I think we should set up some sort of pay-pal account for a charity. It could be called the "Help Metalrules buy a fuckin' life" organization. We could hire Sally Struthers to walk around a cluttered computer with some pseudo-academic, typing away about how no one's songs are any good.

"With just a mere 75 cents a day, you could help this guy so he doesn't post 500 topics of song critques just to inflate his already massive ego. When you become a sponsor, you will recieve a monthly critique of a song. Do not expect any original material though. Metalrules, doesn't trust anybody. Maybe your donations will help him learn about copyright laws. Or better yet, maybe your donations will help him actually try to go to LA or Nashville and become a real songwriter."

C'mon people, donate to the cause. It would be a cool tax write-off for those who own thier own business.

[DMFJ03]

Your opinion means nothing to me, absolutely nothing. Jealousy will get you nowhere.

OWNED!!!

[Killjingle]

Chad from Deviance here

Hey hosebag

isn't one day you're gonna STUMBLE and DROP

the same as TRIP FALL DOWN

If you are going to offer advice, be original. Here is my advice to you, put your thesaurus down, and grab a beer.

[DevianceEric]

Well said Chad, I agree......................and I think I'll grab a beer myself..lol