An attorney arrived home late, after a very tough day
trying to get a stay of execution for a client who was
due to be hanged for murder at Midnight.
His last minute plea for clemency to the governor had
failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed.
>
> As soon as he walked through the door at home, his
wife started on him about, "What time of night to be
getting home is this?
> Where have you been?"
>
> "Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it".
> And on and on and on AND ON AND ON AND ON AND ON.
>
> Too shattered to play his usual role in this
familiar ritual, he went and poured himself
a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak
in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic
remarks as he drug himself up the stairs.
>
> While he was in the bath, the phone rang.
> The wife answered and was told that her husband's
client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of
execution after all.
> Wright would not be hanged tonight.
>
> Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have
had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good
news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted
by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying
his legs and feet.
>
> "They're not hanging Wright tonight," she said.
>
> To which he whirled around and screamed,
> "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?!"
One More
One More
"Death has come to your little town."
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
A Catholic Priest had to leave confessions for an emergency.
He looked around for someone to replace him, and the only guy around was the janitor.
He explained to the janitor that he needed to leave and he wanted him to fill in for him for about 30 minutes or so.
The Priest said, 'no worries, I have a chart written above you on the wall to help you out'. And with that the Priest was on his way.
About 5 minutes later someone walks into the confession booth and is explaining how he cheated on his wife.
The janitor is confident about this one and says to himself 'hmm, adultery' and looks up on the wall.
He says to the confessor, 'that's 3 hail Mary's' And proceeds to send him on his way.
Another guys walks in moments later, and is confessing about his impure thoughts about his neighbor.
The janitor looks on the wall and sees 'impure thoughts = 5 hail Mary's'
He says 'well, just say 5 hail Mary's and you're good to go'
At this time the janitor is feeling extremely confident and ready for anything.
10 minutes later a guy comes rushing in to confession, saying about how he sodomizes his wife about 5 times a week and he feels really bad about it, and he wants to clear his conscious and get some help.
The janitor says to himself, 'I got this shit' and looks up on the wall.
He's going down the list, and see nothing at all about sodomy on the list.
He says 'Damn, I'll be back in one second!'
He opens the door and looks around for some advise, after all he doesn't want to let the Priest down.
He sees only the Altar boy.
He says 'Hey Altar boy, what do you get for Sodomy, I have to know right away!?'
The altar says in a timid voice 'A Snickers and a Pepsi'
He looked around for someone to replace him, and the only guy around was the janitor.
He explained to the janitor that he needed to leave and he wanted him to fill in for him for about 30 minutes or so.
The Priest said, 'no worries, I have a chart written above you on the wall to help you out'. And with that the Priest was on his way.
About 5 minutes later someone walks into the confession booth and is explaining how he cheated on his wife.
The janitor is confident about this one and says to himself 'hmm, adultery' and looks up on the wall.
He says to the confessor, 'that's 3 hail Mary's' And proceeds to send him on his way.
Another guys walks in moments later, and is confessing about his impure thoughts about his neighbor.
The janitor looks on the wall and sees 'impure thoughts = 5 hail Mary's'
He says 'well, just say 5 hail Mary's and you're good to go'
At this time the janitor is feeling extremely confident and ready for anything.
10 minutes later a guy comes rushing in to confession, saying about how he sodomizes his wife about 5 times a week and he feels really bad about it, and he wants to clear his conscious and get some help.
The janitor says to himself, 'I got this shit' and looks up on the wall.
He's going down the list, and see nothing at all about sodomy on the list.
He says 'Damn, I'll be back in one second!'
He opens the door and looks around for some advise, after all he doesn't want to let the Priest down.
He sees only the Altar boy.
He says 'Hey Altar boy, what do you get for Sodomy, I have to know right away!?'
The altar says in a timid voice 'A Snickers and a Pepsi'
Last edited by metalchurch on Friday Sep 28, 2007, edited 2 times in total.
An 80 year old man went in for a check up and he took his wife along since he was getting hard of hearing. The doctor said, " Everything seems fine Mr. Jones. All I am going to need is a urine sample, a stool sample, and a sperm sample."
The old man looked at his wife and said, "What did he say????"
She replied yelling to him, "He said give him your underwear!"
The old man looked at his wife and said, "What did he say????"
She replied yelling to him, "He said give him your underwear!"
"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
-
metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Ok, don't get all pissed about this one. A black friend of mine actually told me this.
How do we know that Noah wasn't black?
Because there's no way that a black man could sail for 40 days and 40 nights and not eat those 2 fuckin chickens.
How do we know that Noah wasn't black?
Because there's no way that a black man could sail for 40 days and 40 nights and not eat those 2 fuckin chickens.
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
What do you do when you find your epileptic child in the bath tub having a seizure?
Throw in a load of laundry.
Throw in a load of laundry.
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Ok don't get mad about this one either.
What's 12 inches long, blue & cold , and drives women crazy?
crib death.
What's 12 inches long, blue & cold , and drives women crazy?
crib death.
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Ok I think this is the last one for now. I'm really pushin' the limits probably.
Please do not take offense, this is just good friendly fun.
Some of these are nasty I know. I apologize in advance if I offended anyone.
How do we know that the Jews were the ones that crucified Jesus?
Who else but the Jews would tell him to cross his legs to save a spike.
Please do not take offense, this is just good friendly fun.
Some of these are nasty I know. I apologize in advance if I offended anyone.
How do we know that the Jews were the ones that crucified Jesus?
Who else but the Jews would tell him to cross his legs to save a spike.
What's greater than God?
More evil than the Devil?
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
And if you eat it you'll die.
What is it?
More evil than the Devil?
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
And if you eat it you'll die.
What is it?
"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
-
metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Not sure?
-
metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
I don't know, I was gonna say stinky pussy, but that don't quite make sense.
It's more evil than the Devil, and poor people have it.
And if you eat it you'll die.
It's more evil than the Devil, and poor people have it.
And if you eat it you'll die.
Answer: "NOTHING" (think about it) most grade school kids answered this when asked by their teacher.... I was asked by our secretary in the office today. She got some email that if she sent it on to 10 people she'd recieve the answer....She said nothing happen...I said, "Thats the answer!!"...(Actually I went to Ask.com to get it...shhh!Trucula wrote:What's greater than God?
More evil than the Devil?
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
And if you eat it you'll die.
What is it?
)"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
-
metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
That was pretty cool. I guess I was thinking too hard on that one.
-
HurricaneBob
- AA Member
- Posts: 2790
- Joined: Monday Dec 09, 2002
- Location: /root/2/pub
- Contact:
Name that Virus.
The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.
The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.
The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.
The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.
The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.
The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
and last but not least ...
The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
The AL GORE virus: causes your computer to just keep counting.
The CLINTON virus: gives you a 7-inch hard drive with NO memory.
The BOB DOLE (AKA: VIAGRA) virus: makes a new hard drive out of an old floppy.
The LEWINSKY virus: sucks all the memory out of your computer, then e- mails everyone about what it did.
The RONALD REAGAN virus: saves your data, but forgets where it is stored.
The JESSE JACKSON virus: warns you constantly about illegitimate file reproduction, while illegitimately reproducing files in the background.
The MIKE TYSON virus: quits after two bytes.
The OPRAH WINFREY virus: your 300 MB hard drive shrinks to 100 MB, then slowly expands to restabilize around 200 MB.
The JACK KEVORKIAN virus: deletes all old files.
The PROZAC virus: totally screws up your RAM, but your processor doesn't care.
The JOEY BUTTAFUOCO virus: only attacks minor files.
The ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER virus: terminates some files, leaves, but will be back.
and last but not least ...
The LORENA BOBBITT virus: reformats your hard drive into a 3.5-inch floppy, then discards it through Windows.
-
YankeeRose
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 2523
- Joined: Saturday Oct 09, 2004
- Location: Altunea, PA
- Contact:
Schools are finally starting to teach practical math that kids can use in real-world situations!
MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME:
GANG/CREW NAME:
CRIB:
1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?
2. Roy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8-ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raoul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. John steals LeShon's skate board. As John skates away at 15 mph, LeShon loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes LeShon 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will John be when he gets whacked?
MATH PROFICIENCY EXAM
NAME:
GANG/CREW NAME:
CRIB:
1. Ramon has an AK-47 with a 30-round clip. He usually misses 6 out of every 10 shots and he uses 13 rounds per drive-by shooting. How many drive-by shootings can Ramon attempt before he has to reload?
2. Roy has 2 ounces of cocaine. If he sells an 8-ball to Antonio for $320 and 2 grams to Juan for $85 per gram, what is the street value of the rest of his hold?
3. Dwayne pimps 3 hos. If the price is $85 per trick, how many tricks per day must each ho turn to support Dwayne's $800 per day crack habit?
4. Raoul wants to cut the pound of cocaine he bought for $40,000 to make 20% profit. How many ounce bags will he need to make to obtain the 20% profit?
5. Desmond gets $200 for a stolen BMW, $150 for stealing a Corvette, and $100 for a 4x4. If he steals 1 BMW, 2 Corvettes and 3 4x4s, how many more Corvettes must he steal to have $900?
6. Pedro got 6 years for murder. He also got $10,000 for the hit. If his common-law wife spends $100 of his hit money per month, how much money will be left when he gets out?
7. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square feet and the average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can be sprayed with 3 - 8 oz. cans of spray paint with 20% paint left over?
8. Tyrone knocked up 4 girls in the gang. There are 20 girls in his gang. What is the exact percentage of girls Tyrone knocked up?
9. LaShaunda is a lookout for the gang. LaShaunda also has a Boa Constrictor that eats 5 rats per week at a cost of $5 per rat. If LaShaunda makes $700 a week as a lookout, how many weeks can she feed the Boa on one week's income?
10. John steals LeShon's skate board. As John skates away at 15 mph, LeShon loads his 357 Magnum. If it takes LeShon 20 seconds to load his piece, how far away will John be when he gets whacked?
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Donna,
that's some of the best stuff ever on here. I was trying to figure them out in my head, while laughing.
I did manage to figure out that at $85.00 a trick, I need to have my ho's turn 7 tricks to get $590 to buy an Inferno Red Jackson King V at $536.00.
That will leave me with $54.00 to buy a quarter ounce of weed, with a street value of $45.00.
Which now leaves me with $9.00 for a pack of Marlboro which goes for $4.65
I have $4.35, and my gas light is on in my car.
I need some more ho's
that's some of the best stuff ever on here. I was trying to figure them out in my head, while laughing.
I did manage to figure out that at $85.00 a trick, I need to have my ho's turn 7 tricks to get $590 to buy an Inferno Red Jackson King V at $536.00.
That will leave me with $54.00 to buy a quarter ounce of weed, with a street value of $45.00.
Which now leaves me with $9.00 for a pack of Marlboro which goes for $4.65
I have $4.35, and my gas light is on in my car.
I need some more ho's
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YankeeRose
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 2523
- Joined: Saturday Oct 09, 2004
- Location: Altunea, PA
- Contact:
Re: One More
metalchurch wrote:Donna,
that's some of the best stuff ever on here. I was trying to figure them out in my head, while laughing.
I did manage to figure out that at $85.00 a trick, I need to have my ho's turn 7 tricks to get $590 to buy an Inferno Red Jackson King V at $536.00.
That will leave me with $54.00 to buy a quarter ounce of weed, with a street value of $45.00.
Which now leaves me with $9.00 for a pack of Marlboro which goes for $4.65
I have $4.35, and my gas light is on in my car.
I need some more ho's
"Joe the Pimp"...sounds like a character on an HBO or Showtime show.
Any way, yeah, I thought it was priceless! A friend sent it to me and I LMAO, although I did change a name or 2, so it wasn't totally racist. Caucasians do that crap too, case in point, your reply. 
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Yeah that was some funny stuff, I'm still laughing about it.
btw, I'm black.
btw, I'm black.
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YankeeRose
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 2523
- Joined: Saturday Oct 09, 2004
- Location: Altunea, PA
- Contact:
Re: One More
metalchurch wrote:Yeah that was some funny stuff, I'm still laughing about it.
btw, I'm black.
Cool, me too!
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Yep, born and raised.
That's awesome Donna, I feel better.
That's awesome Donna, I feel better.
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YankeeRose
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 2523
- Joined: Saturday Oct 09, 2004
- Location: Altunea, PA
- Contact:
Re: One More
metalchurch wrote:Yep, born and raised.
That's awesome Donna, I feel better.
What's really amazing is that we both have the same extremely rare pigment condition.
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metalchurch
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3719
- Joined: Friday Feb 09, 2007
- Location: Somerset
One More
Hahaha! yeah that's right, I forgot about that.
I should be entitled to some sort of compensation for that by the government.
Donna, you rock!
I should be entitled to some sort of compensation for that by the government.
Donna, you rock!
Re: One More
I am too!!.... but just from the waist down!...metalchurch wrote:btw, I'm black.
"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"