Each Autumn, I throw a huge bash at my mansion. Only bodybuilders and cardio bunnies are allowed to attend, and they are flown in from all over the world to be there. This year, I was determined to make it the most legendary of them all, and I think it’s safe to say I succeeded.
I called up ON Whey and had them bring in two dumptrucks full of protein powder, which was dumped on my front yard. Also, I called up a supplement company in Ukraine, makers of a top secret creatine which is 700% more volumizing than creatine monohydrate.
Each bodybuilder who showed up was required to bring with him a minimum of 10 cardio bunnies. I sent my girlfriend out of town with her friends for the weekend.
The party was a huge success. I was sick of going out to the club and seeing AFC’s in Abercrombie t-shirts and flip flops with 12 inch biceps peeking out. No, this was different. Everyone was sledding down the mountains of whey and having a good time. Mitch gave me a thumbs up before crushing up some ZMA pills and snorting them off a random cardio bunny’s tits.
I lat flared it over to the bar area (I hired a bartender for the night’s festivities) “Creatine and vodka, on the rocks” I snarled at him. He reached under the bar and pulled out a jar of CELL-TECH. I grabbed him by the shirt. “I want the good stuff. Get that shit out of here.”
At this point I was approached by a smokin' hot cardio bunny.
“Woofburger, I presume” she said in an Eastern European accent. “I hear you are zee Alpha Male, no?
Me: “You heard correctly... And it's Doctor Swole.”
CB: “I am so very thirsty. Vould you get me a drink?”
Now, any AFC off the street would have fallen for this, but not Doctor Swole. I knew her game; there’s very few of them in the world but it was obvious I was dealing with an Alpha Female, very rare (Less than .001% of human females are Alpha Females). This was obviously a shit test.
Me: “Get it yourself. I’ve got a party to attend to.” I walked away from her and climbed into the hot tub with another group of 7 or 8 cardio bunnies, who proceeded to feel on my 18 inch pythons. The Alpha Female, after getting her beverage, joined me in the jacuzzi.
CB: “You have zee big arms, Doctor Svole.”
Me: “Pretty big jugs you got yourself, cupcake.”
CB: “Aye. I hate zis music. Vould you mind going to zee DJ and requesting a change for me?”
I raised my eyebrow. A second shit test? I really was dealing with an Alpha Female.
“You don’t like the fuckin' music, go ask yourself. What do I look like, a fuckin' AFC here?” I snarled at her.
About a half hour later, she approached again.
“Doctor Svole, I vant to get it on now. Meet me in zee upstairs bedroom and you can put it in my ass.” To your AFC off the street, he would jump at the opportunity. But I could see this was a THIRD shit test, and a very good one at that, which can be executed only by Alpha Females... She could take the base of a beer bottle up her ass with ease, too.
I pulled her close to me and spoke right into her face, close enough that she could smell the natty PB and tuna fish on my breath.
“Look. If I give you the pleasure of sleeping with me, it's gonna be on my terms, when I want it, how I want it, what positions I want it. Got that?” She jumped into my arms.
“Amazing! You are the first to pass all three of my shit tests. Fuck me, Doctor Svole!” We went at it for about an hour in the pool house.
CB: Doctor Svole. We are perfect for each other. Alpha Male, Alpha Female, it’s a match made in heaven! Let’s get married and have children!
I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. This supposed Alpha Female had turned AFC within a matter of minutes.
“What do you want from me? Diamond earrings? A gold ring that says, ‘Mrs. Doctor Swole’?” I lit up a cigar.
“You want a minivan so we can pick up the kids at soccer practice, take ‘em to Denny’s? You’re looking in the wrong place, cupcake.”
CB: But Doctor Svole, I love you!
I took a puff of my cigar.
“Look baby. We’re different people. You want a white picket fence and a garden, I want wife beaters, cardio bunnies, fast cars, big pythons, crowbars. It wouldn’t work.”
I threw on my aviators and flared my lats.
“Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a party to attend to.” I walked back to the party while she sobbed softly in the pool house
