The Blues

[ZappasXWife]

Got this in an email today...enjoy

How to Sing The Blues

>> 1. Most Blues begin, "Woke up this morning..."
>> 2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless
>> you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good
>> woman, with the meanest face in town."
>> 3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right,
>> repeat it.
>> Then find something that rhymes... sort of: "Got a good woman with
>> the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest
>> face in town.
>> Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher, and she weigh 500 pounds."
>> 4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you
>> stuck in a ditch-ain't no way out.
>> 5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks.
>> Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles.
>> Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
>> train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in
>> the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So
>> does fixin' to die.
>> 6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die
>> yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old
>> enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
>> 7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or
>> any place in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is
>> probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Kansas
>> City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have
>> the blues in any place that don't get rain.
>> 8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the blues. A woman
>> with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg because you were
>> skiing is not the
>> blues. Breaking your leg 'cause an alligator be chomping on it, is.
>> 9. You can't have no Blues in a office or a shopping mall. The
>> lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the
>> dumpster.
>> 10. Good places for the Blues:

>> a. highway
>> b. jailhouse
>> c. empty bed
>> d. bottom of a whiskey glass
>>
>> Bad places for the Blues:

>> a. Bloomingdales
>> b. gallery openings
>> c. Ivy League institutions
>> d. golf courses
>>
>> 11. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, less
>> you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.
>> 12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues?
>> Yes, if:
>>
>> a. you older than dirt
>> b. you blind
>> c. you shot a man in Memphis
>> d. you can't be satisfied

>> No, if:
>>
>> a. you have all your teeth
>> b. you were once blind but now can see
>> c. the man in Memphis lived
>> d. you have a 401K or trust fund
>>
>> 13. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck.
>> Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Sonny Liston could. Ugly white
>> people also got a leg up on the blues.
>> 14. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline,
>> it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
>> a. cheap wine
>> b. whiskey or bourbon
>> c. muddy water
>> d. nasty black coffee
>>
>> The following are NOT Blues beverages:
>> a. Perrier
>> b. Chardonnay
>> c. Snapple
>> d. Slim Fast
>> e. Starbucks Frappuccino
>>
>> 15. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a
>> Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another
>> Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse and
>> dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if
>> you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
>> 16. Some Blues names for women:
>> a. Sadie
>> b. Big Mama
>> c. Bessie
>> d. Fat River Dumpling
>> 17. Some Blues names for men:
>> a. Joe
>> b. Willie
>> c. Little Willie
>> d. Big Willie
>> 18. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Debbie, and
>> Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in
>> Memphis.
>> 19. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:
>> a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
>> b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime,
>> Kiwi, etc.)
>> c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
>> For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or
>> Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe not "Kiwi.")
>>
>> 20. It doesn't matter how tragic your life: if you own a
>> computer, you cannot sing the blues.
>>
>> (unless, maybe if it's a PC and you're using Windows 2000).

[RobTheDrummer]

Ugly white
people also got a leg up on the blues.

This is why the Hurricanes are so, so good! HEHEHE!

[HurricaneBob]

ROFL, FU Rob!

[YankeeRose]

ROTFLMAO! Oh THANK YOU, THANK YOU, ZappasXWife! Most mornings I feel older than dirt and I can only see to the end of my nose w/o my contacts, does that count as "blind"? I'm not crippled, but depending on the weather or others' opinions, I may be "lame", at times. Also:



"Woke up this mornin', to find out I still ain't gots no car, when it's done, don't know how I'm gonna get that far...all I gots me is a stinkin' MSN/Web TV, th' only "Windows" I got ain't clean...been stabbed in th' back so many times, but it's okay, 'cause I already had th' pain...if'n I had a dollar for ev'ry lie I been told, th' money'd be fallin' like rain...ain't shot my no good ex-man in Memphis, not that I ever could...but I wouldn't blame 'em if someday, somebody would".



How's that fer starters?
Just call me: "Average Mountain Dumplin'" or "Gimpy Lime Clinton".

[FatVin]

If you really want the blues, be the only person in town without a copy of

Fat Vinny & The Wiseguys latest Cd Tight Play available at Music Emporium and now available online at

http://www.cdbaby.com/fatvinny2

[red]

I got them "Driver Blues".......

[YankeeRose]

I got them "Driver Blues".......

I'd love to have them "Driver Blues" again, if I was "driving"! You boys have a great time and "Break your legs tonight"! I thought for sure I'd be able to be there, "but NOOOOO"!