One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!"
The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?"
One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
---------------------------------
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
Funny!
-
ToonaRockGuy
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 3091
- Joined: Tuesday Dec 17, 2002
- Location: Altoona, behind a drumset.
Funny!
Dood...
That was funny!
Got this one today:
Subject: A BEAVER JOKE
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do
you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter,
and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up
his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver
fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly
Got this one today:
Subject: A BEAVER JOKE
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better...
I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do
you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter,
and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up
his umbrella instead of his gun by mistake. When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver.
He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver
fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly
"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
-
SpellboundByMetal
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 2381
- Joined: Monday Apr 18, 2005
- Location: Metal HQ
Man walks into a store and up to the counter and says, "Hi I'd like to buy 1/2 pound of bologna and 1/2 pound of Swiss cheese."
Store owner looks over his glasses and says, "You wouldn't by any chance be Polish would ya?"
Man proudly perks up and replies," Why yes I am !...How'd you guess?"
Store owner said, " Cause this is a f#$kin hardware store!"
Blond walks up to a counter and said, "Hi I'd like a cheeseburger and fries and a Coke"
Lady looks at her and around and said, "This is a library!"
The blond says, "Oh sorry!!!" and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries..and Coke!"
Store owner looks over his glasses and says, "You wouldn't by any chance be Polish would ya?"
Man proudly perks up and replies," Why yes I am !...How'd you guess?"
Store owner said, " Cause this is a f#$kin hardware store!"
Blond walks up to a counter and said, "Hi I'd like a cheeseburger and fries and a Coke"
Lady looks at her and around and said, "This is a library!"
The blond says, "Oh sorry!!!" and whispers, "I'd like a cheeseburger, fries..and Coke!"
"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
Confessions
Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad,
passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open an d he said, "You're
cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it
was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The anesthesia is wearing off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is !"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues :
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm
getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair wit h an inspector from a
pest-contro l compan y. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestati on of moths," the
man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
Box Donation
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his
priest "I almost had an affair with another woman."
The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"
The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together,
but then I stopped."
The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in.
You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail
Mary's and put $50 in the poor box."
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then
walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then
started to leave.
The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying,
"I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"
The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and
according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Lemon Squeeze
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession.
Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father,
for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad,
passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven
lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looks of Disappointment
A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his
wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful." Then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his
side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open an d he said, "You're
cute."
The wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful," it
was now "cute."
She asked, "What happened to beautiful?"
The man replied, "The anesthesia is wearing off."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet
dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to
the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.
Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have
services for an animal in the church. But there are some
Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is
enough to donate to them for the service?"
Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't
ya tell me the dog was Catholic?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Donation
Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is !"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can!"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do!"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is!"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues :
Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many
children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked
up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Brothel Trip
An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would
like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
"I'm 90 years old," he says.
"90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?"
"Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Senility
An elderly man went to his doctor and said, "Doc, I think I'm
getting senile. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up."
"That's not senility," replied the doctor. "Senility is when you
forget to zip down."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Pest Control
A woman was having a passionate affair wit h an inspector from a
pest-contro l compan y. One afternoon they were carrying on in the
bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
"Quick," said the woman to the lover,"into the closet!" and she
pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the
bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
"Who are you?" he asked him.
"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.
"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.
"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestati on of moths," the
man replied.
"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, "Those little bastards!"
This 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?" She replied, "A can of peaches." The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry.The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail then." Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something. The judge said, "What is it?" The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
-
sixstringdrop
- Gold Member
- Posts: 118
- Joined: Monday May 22, 2006
- Location: TYRONE,
aight this one is kind of stupid but wtf someone might like it
theres to guys walking down a road looking for a place to stay
and they come to this farmers house and ask him if they can stay
and he says yes so the one guy sleeps in a room downstairs then the other guy is upstairs and there is laundry shoot going from the room
upstairs to the one downstairs so the guy upstairs was just getting ready to hit the hay when a shit brews on and he didnt want to wake the farmer to ask him where the bathroom is so he luckaly found a white bag and took his shit in that then threw it down the laundry shoot then the next day when they woke up the guy upstairs asks the guy downstairs how he slept and he said he beat the shit out of a ghost last night
i know its a dumb ass joke so what
theres to guys walking down a road looking for a place to stay
and they come to this farmers house and ask him if they can stay
and he says yes so the one guy sleeps in a room downstairs then the other guy is upstairs and there is laundry shoot going from the room
upstairs to the one downstairs so the guy upstairs was just getting ready to hit the hay when a shit brews on and he didnt want to wake the farmer to ask him where the bathroom is so he luckaly found a white bag and took his shit in that then threw it down the laundry shoot then the next day when they woke up the guy upstairs asks the guy downstairs how he slept and he said he beat the shit out of a ghost last night
i know its a dumb ass joke so what
-
HurricaneBob
- AA Member
- Posts: 2790
- Joined: Monday Dec 09, 2002
- Location: /root/2/pub
- Contact:
Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman. Since she had
to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my
parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key
under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and
I'll mail you a check."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my bulldog Spike. He won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my
parrot!" "I REPEAT, DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he
discovered the biggest, meanest looking bulldog he has ever seen. But,
just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the
repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant
yelling, cursing and name calling. Finally the repairman couldn't
contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"
A guy went into the pet shop. Looking over the pets and having a ruff time deciding he went over to a parrot...The bird said, "Hey man! Why don't you buy me. I am very smart, I speak perfect English, I am good company. I can talk about anything"
The guy looked at him and said ,"But your $2000 !!!"
The bird said, " Hey offer him 200, I've been here for 2 years I have no legs. No one wants me."
He said, "Well how do you stay on your perch?"
Bird said, " I wrap my pecker around it, you can't see it because of my feathers."
The guy ended up with the bird and all went well for weeks. One day he came home and the bird went, "Psssst!..Hey I need to tell you something about your wife." He said, "Oh ?"
"Yeah today the mailman came over and gave her a kiss when she met him at the door in that black teddy", said the bird.
"Oh No!!, Then what happen?", he said
"Well then he reached under her teddy and fondled her"
"Oh No! Then what happen?", said the guy.
"Well she got down on her knees and took out his thing and started to kiss it", said the bird.
"Oh My!! Then what happen????", said the man.
The bird said, "Hell I don't know I got a hard on and fell off my perch!!"
The guy looked at him and said ,"But your $2000 !!!"
The bird said, " Hey offer him 200, I've been here for 2 years I have no legs. No one wants me."
He said, "Well how do you stay on your perch?"
Bird said, " I wrap my pecker around it, you can't see it because of my feathers."
The guy ended up with the bird and all went well for weeks. One day he came home and the bird went, "Psssst!..Hey I need to tell you something about your wife." He said, "Oh ?"
"Yeah today the mailman came over and gave her a kiss when she met him at the door in that black teddy", said the bird.
"Oh No!!, Then what happen?", he said
"Well then he reached under her teddy and fondled her"
"Oh No! Then what happen?", said the guy.
"Well she got down on her knees and took out his thing and started to kiss it", said the bird.
"Oh My!! Then what happen????", said the man.
The bird said, "Hell I don't know I got a hard on and fell off my perch!!"
"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
-
YankeeRose
- Diamond Member
- Posts: 2523
- Joined: Saturday Oct 09, 2004
- Location: Altunea, PA
- Contact:
Another catlick joke:
Two priests were in the men's room one day, using the urinals. One happened to notice that the other's penis didn't appear normal.
Noticing he had a Nicoderm patch on it, he told him, "That will never work there, you're supposed to wear those on your arm or chest." Replied the other priest, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
Two priests were in the men's room one day, using the urinals. One happened to notice that the other's penis didn't appear normal.
Noticing he had a Nicoderm patch on it, he told him, "That will never work there, you're supposed to wear those on your arm or chest." Replied the other priest, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."
After much thought a man had to put his dad in a rest home...The next day when he went to visit him his dad was upset and saying, "Son please take me home! I don't like it here!"
"Come on dad give it a chance, it can't be that bad" son said.
That night the old man had a sponge bath by a young 19 year old candy stripper. when washing his privates he began to get aroused and embarrassed and apologized to the girl. She said closing the curtain, "That's OK, I understand, Let me take care of that for you." She began stroking and then into oral bring the man to completion.
Next day when the son visited his dad said, " Boy I love it here, I don't want to leave!"
"What changed your mind dad?" the son said.
The dad told him of last nights experience and the son was amazed.
That night the old man fell out of bed and was on his hands and knees when a male orderly walked in and said, "Whats wrong?"
"I've fallen and I can't get up!"
The male said looking around, " That's too bad and lifted his gown and violated the man from behind...
Next day on the sons visit the dad said, " Son take me out of here, I hate it here!!!"
"Why now dad, thought you loved it here?"
He told him of the last night happening. and the son said, "Well dad can't you hold out for a few more sponge baths???"
The old man said, "Son I am 90 years old, I get a hard on about 3 times a year................ But I fall about everyday!!!!!!!"
"Come on dad give it a chance, it can't be that bad" son said.
That night the old man had a sponge bath by a young 19 year old candy stripper. when washing his privates he began to get aroused and embarrassed and apologized to the girl. She said closing the curtain, "That's OK, I understand, Let me take care of that for you." She began stroking and then into oral bring the man to completion.
Next day when the son visited his dad said, " Boy I love it here, I don't want to leave!"
"What changed your mind dad?" the son said.
The dad told him of last nights experience and the son was amazed.
That night the old man fell out of bed and was on his hands and knees when a male orderly walked in and said, "Whats wrong?"
"I've fallen and I can't get up!"
The male said looking around, " That's too bad and lifted his gown and violated the man from behind...
Next day on the sons visit the dad said, " Son take me out of here, I hate it here!!!"
"Why now dad, thought you loved it here?"
He told him of the last night happening. and the son said, "Well dad can't you hold out for a few more sponge baths???"
The old man said, "Son I am 90 years old, I get a hard on about 3 times a year................ But I fall about everyday!!!!!!!"
"Proud endorser of Saluda cymbals"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
http://www.saludacymbals.com/c/bfogelsonger.php
"Growing old is mandatory,, Growing up is optional!"
-
Charltor
- Platinum Member
- Posts: 882
- Joined: Friday Jan 23, 2004
- Location: A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...
- Contact:
Little Johnny's parents decided their Sex life was suffering because Johnny was always around so they came up with a method to trick him and get him out of the way.
Johnny's dad pulled him aside and said, "Son i want you to stand on the balcony and report to us what all the neighbours are doing ok?" Little Johnny agrees and his parents are happy to have him out the way and take full advantage of the situation. Jonny begins shouting to his parents what he sees whilst they get down to business. "Next door is mowing the lawn" says Johnny, "errm... Mrs Smith is chatting to the milkman.. errm Mrs Jones' cat is scrapping with Mr Browns cat ... eerm oh and the couple across the street are having sex!" His Parents come rushing out very shocked, "Johnny what makes you think they're having sex?" Little Johnny replies, " Well their kid is standing out on the balcony too" !!!
A young man truly in love decided to have his girlfriends's name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy...
and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom at the urinal and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'
Johnny's dad pulled him aside and said, "Son i want you to stand on the balcony and report to us what all the neighbours are doing ok?" Little Johnny agrees and his parents are happy to have him out the way and take full advantage of the situation. Jonny begins shouting to his parents what he sees whilst they get down to business. "Next door is mowing the lawn" says Johnny, "errm... Mrs Smith is chatting to the milkman.. errm Mrs Jones' cat is scrapping with Mr Browns cat ... eerm oh and the couple across the street are having sex!" His Parents come rushing out very shocked, "Johnny what makes you think they're having sex?" Little Johnny replies, " Well their kid is standing out on the balcony too" !!!
A young man truly in love decided to have his girlfriends's name tattooed on his penis, her name was Wendy...
and the tattoo was done while the penis was erect, so when it was not erect all you could see was W Y. Shortly after the couple was married and they were honeymooning in Jamaica, the man was in a bathroom at the urinal and standing next to him was a Jamaican man who also had a W Y on his penis.
The American said to him "Oh is your girl named Wendy too?"
The Jamaican replied, "No, Mon that says, 'Welcome To Jamaica Have a Nice Day'
A guy is driving around the back woods of Tennessee and he sees a
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For
Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the
dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and
listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."
sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For
Sale." He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the
dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador
retriever sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yep," the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he
says, "So, what's your story?"
The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk
when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told
the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,
sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most
valuable spies for eight years running."
"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't
getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a
job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near
suspicious characters and
listening in."
"I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of
medals.
I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants
for the dog.
"Ten dollars," the guy says.
"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him
so cheap?"
"Because he's a liar. He never did any of that shit."