I received an Abercrombie and Fitch gift card from a fuck-buddy 2 weeks ago. She should have known that someone as swole as me couldn't fit into clothes designed for 125 lb. Metros who wear flip flops in february, but what can I say.
I walk into my local mall, lats flared and aviators on. I head into A&F, remove my glasses and look around. I was a bit shocked by the awful techno blasting in my ears, and even more so when I looked around. Two male employees in purple and yellow polo's were dancing to the music. “Fuck, this store really is for queers,” I thought to myself. I headed over to the beaters, picked up a few and told a young girl wearing an 'Oscar’s Surf Shop' t-shirt to let me into the dressing room.
Me: Sweetheart, let me ask you a question. If this guy was to wear an A&F t-shirt out in public, what would your reaction be?
A&F girl: Wow, I’d laugh at his fat stomach. Why is he lifting up his shirt in that pic? He doesn’t have anything that even resembles abs. <I smile and head into the dressing room.>
A&F girl: Wow, you have huge arms.
Me: <Sneering at her.> Damn right I have big arms.
A&F girl: Umm, if you need any help in here, anything at all, just let me know, ok?
Me: Whatever. <I try on the beater, and it's absolutely skin tight and too short. And it's an XL too. I guess A&F wants to make its buck and a quarter pound employees feel swole. In fact, the XL beater was so small I couldn’t get it off. I called A&F girl into the room with me.>
Me: <Grinning> I can’t get this beater off, it's too tight? Care to help? <She took off the shirt and started gasping.>
A&F girl: Oh my god! Your body! Your chest, your abs, it's perfect!
Me: <Shit-eating grin on my face.> You don’t see many bodies like these in this store I bet.
A&F girl rips off my pants and starts to blow me in the dressing room stall. Ten minutes later I blew my load all over her Oscar’s Surf Shop t-shirt. At that moment, I realized what Abercrombie and Fitch was all about. It’s not just about polka dot flip flops and 12 inch biceps in pink t-shirts that say "Steve’s Clam Shack..." No. It’s about stealing your parents ’46 Model T and running around on the beach in your white A&F boxer briefs, then running into the woods to have a circle jerk with the rugby team. Yes, I had experienced a true Abercrombie moment. As I walked out, I threw my $50 gift card in the direction of the two queers who were dancing to the techno.
“$50 gift card here! Just think of all the ripped jeans you can buy with that!” I yelled at them, then watched as the two boys, weighing combined less than I do in the off season, pulled each others hair and slapped each other for rights to their gift card. I laughed, threw my aviators on, flared my lats, and left the mall. I had other business to attend to.
Abercrombie & Fitch
-
no surrender
-
bassist_25
- Senior Member
- Posts: 6815
- Joined: Monday Dec 09, 2002
- Location: Indiana
I can't wear aviators; my face is much too narrow. It's either the thinner Matrix style of glasses or hippie John Lennon shades for me. Aviators are cool on the right kind of face, though.
"He's the electric horseman, you better back off!" - old sKool making a reference to the culturally relevant 1979 film.